The Doors of Perception
Dream –Opening the Doors of Perception to let out the Anger and Rage
When the dream starts I am looking for a condo to live in – I look at a huge complex many floors, 20 or more stories high – on a lake – it was really nice – but I think I couldn’t afford it. Then I go into a smaller building in Pasadena, California – trees on street – and I go up a level – look at condo that someone lives in – it has a very nice porch with plants.
I get a condo there or I just move in – not sure, I just seem to live there suddenly. It was similar to the condo I lived in a few years ago, but very different once I went inside.
I am taking a shower and seem to go partially blind rather suddenly – I am a little disoriented. I go to leave the bathroom and I put my hand on the doorknob to open the bathroom door and there is already a hand on the door. I pull my other hand up close to my eyes to make sure it was accounted for – and both of my hands were – so I knew the hand already on the door wasn’t mine – it belonged to someone else. But I wasn’t frightened nor was the other person who I never saw except for the hand and wrist through a heavy mist created by the steam of the shower. Everything was white from what little I could see; my towel, the bathroom tile, the door and the mist.
Perhaps the other hand is the disassociated part of myself. Or, that the disassociated part is the right hemisphere – the emotional side – and I am being opened up to it – the left, holding onto the calculating and vengeful thoughts. But now that some of this left sided smallness had been washed off, I can see clearly again.
When I look outside the bathroom door and I can see again. I realize that all of the condos are connected inside – you can go into anyone’s condo. A sliding door connected the condo’s and many of them were open – I had walked into some else’s condo because I saw an open door to their bathroom when I should have taken a left and gone down a hallway to get to my condo. (I had entered someone else’s space). So, it was unintentionally my fault. With 3rd hand no one freaked out – we all understood mix up. I had just seen the open door and walked in assuming it was in my place. I was innocent.
I am leaving my condo going down stairs with a cane and my eye sight is going again – my glasses are fogged up or my eyes are making it look foggy.
My brother is with me, but he is getting too far ahead of me for comfort and I feel vulnerable – I can’t see and I have to cross street – feel like I might get hit by a car. I don’t know where my brother is parked and I don’t think he did either – but I lost sight of my brother. I am not sure if he is trying to get ahead of me because he wants to get the car for me so I wouldn’t have to walk so far with my cane, or is he ashamed of me because I have acted out my rage and anger so much,
His car is in a 7 Eleven type parking lot. The car is parked real close to another car with a very nice paint job – and I am afraid I will scratch it when I get in. Two guys up front and women in back of the painted car- I signal them to open their window so I can tell then to move out a little so I won’t scratch their car. Their windows are fogged up – at first I think they cannot see my signals but they will not heed the signal and want me to yell louder so they can hear without rolling down their windows. I try to yell, but the explanation is too long and the car is pretty much sound proof. Then I think the woman in the backseat has understood and tells the guys in the front that I am trying to help, but they do not seem to budge – like I am not worth listening to. I can then see the car door will clear when I get in – and try to signal them not to worry – but they are still ignoring me. I get into the passenger side of my brother’s car.
We get to a meeting where there is to be a mediation with my ex-wife’s attorney and mine. The meeting room is kind of messy with kid’s toys and socks balled up lying around the room – the secretaries were allowed to bring small children to work – and the kids played in this area when it was not being used for meetings. (interp – the kids – are caught in middle) I am sitting on couch with my attorney on one side and my mother on the other, I was in the middle – I only have two towels to cover myself and fear being exposed – the lawyers who I at first thought were on my side were heavily criticizing me – I feel it is unfair – they are not understanding my point – just informing me of all the ways I was wrong – all young lawyers some Asian – then I realized my ex-wife’s attorney was there.
I get riled up with my ex-wife’s attorney’s presence and want to stick with my ex-wife’s incest issue because it pisses him off – which I have been advised to drop and everyone seems to want to ignore. Both my ex-wife’s attorney and mine are criticizing me – putting me down. My mother strikes out at my attorney by hitting him with an umbrella – it causes me to fall on the ground (part of me that is stubborn like my mother) and I become exposed as I cannot hold the towels in position. I try to get my mother to stop attacking – saying my attorney is on our side – but I agree with her to leave, I can see we are getting nowhere – no one is understanding our point.
I go into a rage on the way out and say “I know we are not getting any money anymore – I am only going to court and announcing she is a whore to humiliate her and that I had planned to walk out of court – I know the money issue is lost! I know it! That issue is over with!
My ex-wife is not present, but I am still in a rage going out of the building – yelling “ex-wife is a whore – and that I intended to humiliate her in front of court” – a woman looks at me with disgust as I am still raging about ex-wife being a whore. When I see the look of disgust on the woman face, I felt she doesn’t understand my anger – so I yell at her in explanation – “she fucked her own brother for eight years” – then the woman nods at me as if she finally understands my anger and rage – but says nothing as she gets into the car. – I feel a sense of validation – that someone has finally seen something from my viewpoint and understood what I was so upset about..
Then all of a sudden – I realize I can finally see again clearly. My rage dissipates when the woman takes the time to listen to me. The dream ends.
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation
Doors of Perception interpretation
Looking for a condo is looking for a new life. It was very pleasant to be in a place that someone took care of as opposed to my own place. I was just moving back to California after having spent about three years recovering from breakdown on East Coast.
Third hand is the part of consciousness opening the door for me, letting me out of the place where I was blind – trapped in my own anger and rage. The shower is cleansing part of the subconscious – part that wants to let me out of the rut – the third hand was the part of me that wants me to be free and lets subconscious material slip into consciousness so that I can see it clearly. Shower could also represent both therapy and dream work that helped me break free of the entrapment in which the rage and anger held me captive.
I go partially blind in the shower this represents the rage and anger – I am disoriented – the Shadow or Dark Side wants to hold on to the old way of coping– fantasizing violence, anger and rage and thinking of revenge–a way of coping I learned from my father’s unreasonable rage when I was young. If asking a simple question or stating an innocent comment would send my father into a rage, expressing anger would probably have gotten me killed. Entering his space was like walking in a minefield.
By entering someone else’s condo, I had unintentionally entered into someone else’s space. The piano lesson with my father and speech problem with the nun, because I can say “street” without lisping, are perfect examples of when – I was totally innocent and I was prosecuted with extreme rage coming from another person having no idea of what was happening or what I had done wrong. I was not in control of what was causing the problem. (See Explanations in Appendix at end of dream)
My conscious mind saw the opening to let out the rage of the dark force of unbconscious for its obstructive qualities that keep holding me back. I want to prove my innocence and until somebody acknowledges this -I will not let go of my rage and anger.
I am blind again when I leave the condo heading toward a meeting over the divorce– Which evokes anger and rage which causes me to slip into my blindness–which is the thought pattern that seeks short term gratification of handing out revenge to those I feel deserve it. Perhaps, I have the cane because my anger cripples me in life.
My brother–once again the uncertainty of his actions–is he trying to help me or is he ashamed of me. If I lose connection with him I might feel total abandonment–father wasn’t there to lead me or show me the way through life–I knew to follow my brother because he was always present–but it was not really his job to train me–but I was too afraid to step out on my own particularly after my last break down.
I feel I have disgraced him– with my defeat– However knowing my background and the family’s, my brother has knowledge of the problems, but I don’t think he can really comprehend them –he did not get the alcoholic/depression genes or epigenetic settings that seem to pass on depression, alcoholism, etc.
With the cars and the 7 Eleven parking lot–the space issue is back–not enough space for me or at least I thought–Group picture in therapy 35 years ago 1977 of my family and did not leave enough space for myself on the wall – Kilroy – afraid I will infringe on someone else’s space and give them excuse to go ballistic–so I have always been keenly aware of space issues. This causes me to delay and not act first– Perhaps encourages me to be non-assertive because I overcompensate for the anticipated reaction of rage from others. However, when someone invades my space and appears to be unconcerned about my interests or rights– I feel I have a right to go ballistic and inflict harm on them if necessary.
Resentment collecting, injustice and injustice collecting give me an excuse then I will have the right to rein rage and violence down on whomever.
I am trying to warn the guys in the car about the space problem–I do not want them to get angry at me if I scratch their paint job–but they ignore my assessment of the situation–court situation with ex-wife’s incest they are blind to my innocence –one woman in the back understands my concern or view point– (my therapist) –but others ignore me still– So I have to be satisfied with this and get in the car to move on with life.
They are blinded by the refusal to make an attempt to see things from someone else’s perspective. I am attempting to warn them that I might possibly scrape the paint on their car thus and raging them against me. I am extremely concerned about this because I assume it will evoke their rage. I want to remain innocent in the event that I do scrape it by issuing a warning before acting on my own rights–to get in the car.
They are blinded by their refusal to make an attempt to see things from someone else’s perspective. Yelling louder–is like yelling louder in a foreign language thinking the volume will somehow improve the translation and they make no effort to improve the communication problem/understanding and keep the windows rolled up and assume problem is only mine and they can’t even entertain what I am trying to communicate–by rolling window down, clearing the fog or even looking my way. Essentially, they are deaf because they cannot even perceive reality on the level that I can.
The explanation is too long–the history of my ex-wife’s family with the abuse and the consequential effect it could have on the children–my ex-wife’s brother ( the perpetrator) is allowed to pick up and tickle my daughters at their family gatherings and I am not allowed to bring this up in court.
My therapist’s understanding will have no impact on the way the rest of the world will look at things–they will all remain in ignorance. They will think I am crazy–not worth listening to. No one said my concerns were valid points. My attorney and other legal counsel I sought stated that ‘family court’ did not take these matters into consideration as far as the children are concerned – basic psychology does not matter when it comes to these laws. They want to just drop it and not talk about it – it makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Current statistics show that over 20% of women have suffered some type of abuse – ignoring situations like this will assure its continued growth.
However, my therapist’s understanding of my perspective did have an impact on me. I knew someone heard and understood me which allowed me to move on. Not being understood by anybody seems to create an impasse in one’s life or progress with issues.
The Mediation Meeting the Crux of the Dream
Adversarial in the real mediation, I thought my lawyer was going to be on my side but everyone wanted me to just shut up– the courts did not care about justice–just told me all the reasons I was wrong and my points were of no concern to the court.
The kid stuff in the room, like the socks, – Is a reminder that the kids are in the middle–and if I really try to cause ex-wife to have a breakdown, the children could be hurt as collateral damage. My ex-wife denied that my breakdown was real and tried to make it look like I was faking it–my solution to this was to keep up the pressure on the incest issues and her loose sexual morals to cause her to have a breakdown – letting her know that mental breakdowns are real. I did not pursue this course.
My mother is there, stubborn side of myself,–only covered by towels leads to my exposure – I want revenge–or really I want what I consider to be fair– I don’t want to play the part of the Putz who always gets taken advantage of. And in the divorce and child custody I feel like I was really taken advantage of because no one ever took the time to understand the complete picture.
In my anger, my intentions are to strike back, retaliation: strike fast, strike hard, strike often. I agree with my mother on leaving–I don’t feel my attorney ever thought of what was best for me–only what in short term would be better for the children–but he wouldn’t look at the history of my ex-wife’s family that includes multigenerational incest.
Then part of me wants to humiliate her to the degree she humiliated me with her affair – revenge–is it necessary?
I feel the incest is the cause of all these problems; so at least recognized the validity of my concerns. When I go into a rage in the dream–this is nothing symbolic or metaphorical –this is pure straight forward conscious rhetoric. I have had all of these thoughts when angry in my own head. Consciously!
When I first spoke of these feelings, it kind of shocked at my therapist. She had a look of disgust and disbelief on her face. Then, she disclosed she too had been a victim of sexual abuse and then I understood why she had such a problem swallowing the way that I felt. However, she put her personal feelings aside said that she could more thoroughly see where I was coming from. From my perspective, my ex-wife cheating on me is one of the most caustic or acidic forms of betrayal for a man to experience. Clearly, one of the most demoralizing and emasculating and the best revenge was to demoralize her by pulling her covers in public.
My outrage is that she did not cheat on me because I was not loving enough or uncaring–but because of the incest she was twisted–in her own words from her journal she stated “When I met someone who showed me real tenderness, real affection, I despise them for their vulnerability, Just as I hated myself for my childhood helplessness. She went want to say “ I sought men who would neglect me. They were forceful, charismatic who or alternatively abusive and withdrawn.
So, to my way of thinking, I had done everything right, and she despised me for this. I tried to help her, tried to get her into therapy, but to no avail. So, once again, I feel innocent, yet seem to be seen as guilty.
To put it coldly, my ex-wife saw me as someone good to have children with because I , being vulnerable, would make a good father. But, this is not what sexually attracted her. She was damaged by 8 years of incest with her brother, plus a couple of dysfunctional, violent relationships. One ex-boyfriend, a medical doctor, anally raped her – she reenacted the rape one night when she was dreaming. It was as if the event was currently taking place – her face was blood red, the vein was popped out in her neck and her eyes were wide open with a look of terror – she thought she was going to die. The doctor’s name was Michael Rivera, he was a radiologist at St.Luke’s hospital in Pasadena, CA. My ex-wife suffered seizures after this incident because he caused damage to the area of the cortex at the back of her head where he held her down with either his hands or the riding crop he regularly used on her. Yeah, like this marriage ever had a chance and because she is the mother, let’s make her primary custodian.
I can see again clearly _ I had been blinded by the rage – but because someone finally listened (my therapist) and understood my anger and rage – and the cause of it from abuse when I was innocent when a child– therefore, I refused to give in this time and openly raged at people – like my ex-father-in-law. But, the rage dissipates when someone took the time to hear me out and understand things from my perspective.
However, when I saw damage it had done to ex I had some remorse – but felt it had to be done for me to release my rage – I think if I had not struck back I would still have the anger – turning it over and forgiving people does not really work – unless you want to remain in denial and believe in things like higher powers and gods that do not exist – these people stunt their growth – by buying into this they must remain in denial of their rage and anger.
Most people have several traumatic incidences in their lives which often have a profound influence on their future behavior. These behaviors tend to be metaphorically represented in dreams. The subconscious will sometime try to intercede and make the dreamer consciously aware if these behaviors are creating impasses in our lives. Here are two of mine:
- The piano lesson – when I was five years old I wanted to learn how to play the piano – my father was an excellent jazz/swing band pianist and my mother would always comment on how lucky we were because dad could make extra money on the weekends. I remember this clearly, before we began the lesson, my father asked me why I wanted to learn how to play – mind you, I was five – and I answered “so I could make extra money on weekends”. My father flew into a complete rage yelling that “music was an art form and earning money should not be associated with it”. My mother had to force him out onto the porch to separate us – and the rage continued out on the porch with him still raging and screaming in front of the entire neighborhood.
Of course, I never touched the piano again and always had guilt feeling associated with making money – which is why I probably never defended myself as money was stolen from me by my bosses. Money was evil or bad and should never be the goal of anything – such a belief makes success in life extremely difficult. (My father had a serious case of PTSD from heavy combat in WWII which in those days went untreated – except for drinking all the alcohol one could consume – his rage was always an instant away.)
There were other reasons, but part of my father’s disdain for money came from being in WWII, he saw firsthand the effects of people wanting other people’s land and money. He fought in three battles and walked through Buchenwald when it was first liberated. His descriptions of it were shocking. My father had many faults, but one thing you could count on – if he said something happened – it was the truth. He would talk about the war and what he saw when he was drunk which was more than occasionally.
- Sister Eugene Mary and the Lisp.
This nun raged at me because I said my S’s with a lisp and the class was laughing at me as I tried to say the word “street”. Perhaps she thought I wasa doing it on purpose, but she went into a complete rage, screaming at me until she had pushed me up against the back wall of the room, we had started in the center. About eight years after this, someone finally figured out I had a speech impediment. It was really frightening to have a woman who is a few feet taller than you, dressed in black with a pointed head, pushing you around the class room in front of all the other kids. Her face was blood red and her vein was popped out at her neck. She had totally lost it and I had no idea why I couldn’t say “street” the correct way.
I always wanted to run into her and just kick the shit out her – I don’t care if she is 90. I never told anyone about this because I was afraid I would get in trouble at home – double jeopardy didn’t apply to kids growing up in the 1950’s, especially in Catholic school. I was six years old at the time.
In both of these cases I was innocent, but found guilty by those that ragerd. So, this is part of the energy of the extreme rage over the situation with my ex-wife when I feel like the situation was something I had no control over.
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