PTSD Recovery in Process – Needles and Pins
PTSD Recovery dream centers around the sensitive causes of the trauma and attempts to work on alleviating the pain by removing the source. The subtopic is the insensitivity of some of the people around me. Those the just say, “Just get over it and move on”, although, well meaning, they have no idea of the profound nature that certain events have on the core value of the PTSD victims as humans. PTSD Recovery takes time as those that suffer often have to rebuild this core identity and rediscover who we really are, because our ‘old world’ no longer makes any sense.
Dream: PTSD Recovery
I was cooking for my family; my mother, father and brother, just four of us. I was making two kosher hot dogs each and I was afraid that that was not going to be enough, so I decided to make four more so that we can each have three.
There was a guy grilling the hot dogs that was not a family member he was just a cook.
I was looking for other things to go with my meal in the refrigerator; I was going through leftover containers and found one with baked beans. I was looking for Kinder’s barbecue sauce, then I found another large container that I thought would be good at first and then I discovered that it is just raw hamburger meat and I realize that it would not go with the meal.
I was preparing buns that were like those that our family would get when traveling along the New Jersey Turnpike 50 years ago when Howard Johnson’s controlled all of the concession stands on the turnpike. The buns were grilled – they were always fresh and warm and I wanted mine to be like that – perfect.
I moved the four additional grilled hot dogs over to the area where I was preparing the food. Everyone else was seated and eating. I went to get something else and when I came back someone had bit off half of one of the hot dogs. I was angry that they had spoiled the perfect preparation of the food. I suspected that it was my mother, but I confronted all of them with the theft of the hot dog, which seemed to make me very angry.
Then I leave to go to the store to buy some clothes.
I went into a store at Prince George’s Plaza in Maryland, I look to see which store I was in and could see from the inside the letters, which were reversed on a glass window, that it was Macy’s. I went into the store as it was about to close and I suddenly became extremely tired. Almost like a sugar induced coma or drugged feeling, and I had to lay down immediately – so I laid down on the floor where there appeared to be some trash like the wrapping from a new shirt; the plastic and cardboard on the floor.
I started to wake up or come to feeling really dazed in the store and realized I had rolled around where the pins from the shirt that had been opened. Then I realize that there were many pins stuck in my arm.
I started to pull the pins out and blood comes out with each pin. It is my right arm that has hundreds of pins stuck into it, most in the forearm. It is not that painful but each one causes additional bleeding, the needles are all sizes, small and large, not uniformly consistent like needles in a new shirt. Hundreds of them they are piling up beside me while I pulled them out with a good amount of blood. The needles in the pile are acting like capillaries and blood is clinging to them – the blood did not form a puddle but remained suspended with the needles many of which stayed pointed end up.
There are two women store employees trying to help me, they are very kind and compassionate taking their own time after hours trying to assist me in removing the needles.
However, there is another woman looking at my left arm, which also had needles, but there were fewer, but larger ones – these were needles with eyes, not pins. However, there was a particularly large needle with an eye stuck deep into my left bicep. In fact, most of the needles on my left arm were on the upper arm as opposed to the lower arm of the right arm. The woman wanted to pull this one out herself as if she were going to get some type of thrill or enjoyment from it– like popping a large pimple.
I felt that she had the wrong intentions, that instead of trying to help me, she had some ulterior motive. I knew I was tending to something that was very serious – that involved life or death – but on a spiritual level. I lose my temper at the woman and yell at her in a rage, “Jesus fucking Christ, this isn’t a fucking game”.
I am conscious that my language might have offended the two kind women that we’re trying to help me. I thought they might be religious, but I felt it needed to be said. The woman wanted to pull the needle for some type of twisted pleasure.
This woman wasn’t there to help the situation, but to derive some sort of vicarious pleasure from my suffering.
The needle was deep in the biceps and she kept touching the needle and moving it around in it’s hole which caused some pain– Many little needles did not hurt but this one did because it was so deep.
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation – PTSD Recovery in Process
This dreams main issue centers around how PTSD was hindering my life, and the determined focus that is necessary to break away from self-defeating behaviors. It isn’t a ‘F___ing game!”.
As many dreams begin, this one makes reference to my early family life. My sister is not there, she wasn’t born until 1963 when I was 10 – about the time Howard Johnson’s was in its hay day. We would frequently stop at their restaurants as we went back and forth to Connecticut for summer vacation with my father’s family. This was before thing got too crazy.
The hot dog bun preparation was an important part of their marketing; it was quite unique and tasty. The dream meaning of this careful preparation represents the perfectionism that I expect out of myself. No detail is to be left undone – this perfectionism impedes my progress. And, when I cook, I insist on doing things a certain way – I don’t like shortcuts. When I do the dream work, I am highly aware people are going to be judging it. I want the dream and dream interpretation to make sense to the reader, which often requires a long explanation. I try to keep it as real as I can, as some of you know by the content I include.
The cook is like an automaton, just mindlessly going about its task. This is possibly the part of myself that plays the role of my mother, trying to fulfill her role of supplying tasty meals for my children as a way of emotional bonding, rather than more explicit ways of demonstrating emotions – like expressing them verbally. My mother was not big into expressing emotions – she hated it when people would try to hug her in Al-Anon – so much that she never went back after first few meetings.
I seem to always cook too much food and buy too much food. Like my mother, I always want to be able to feed everybody – people pleasing? Or Compassion?
But, I made kosher hot dogs the night before the dream for dinner and ate 3 out of the 7 – the other 4 were consumed by my roommate who is a homeless Vietnam Veteran.
The baked beans in the refrigerator are probably a reminder that I haven’t checked a leftover container with baked beans for quit some time – another scientific experiment in progress. The hamburger meat may just be a signal that I am over buying. I just buy things when there is a good price without specific plans for using the stuff – and they tend to accumulate. So, the dream meaning here is simply to take care of a few habits that could use improvement weaved into much heavier content.
My mother is the suspect for the partially eaten hot dog. Had it been missing whiskey or beer, the culprit would have been dad. But mom liked good hot dogs. The dream meaning here is her tendency to put down any new ideas or socially unacceptable activities. Back in the early 1970’s seeing a psychiatrist was not as acceptable as it is today. People were pretty sure you were crazy if you were seeing a shrink back them. Also, since many psychological theories tend to put blame on the mother for improper bonding practices, she seemed to have a need to quash activities surrounding therapy, including the witchcraft known as dream analysis. She would always pointed out that this was a waste of time, then she would go and watch TV.
Since my father spent quite a bit of time locked up on the mental wards of local hospitals, I think she felt a lot of shame over the mental instability that seemed to surround her. Instead of facilitating the work, she seemed to want to destroy it, so that she could live in denial of it. She referred to my father and myself one time as “really sick people”. So, in the dream she takes a shot at my food preparation by eating half of the hotdog before I am ready to serve it in a perfect manner. Therefore, I have an inner daemon that takes her place and tries to destroy my own plans and chances for success. And, I have a certain amount of shame for having mental problems. This dream takes place 2 years after my mother’s death, so it is not her anymore.
In the dream I express my anger openly, which would have been unusual back then, passive-aggressive was more my style. However, now I am more in touch with my anger and let it out sometimes as it is evoked. However, due to lack of practice, it is rarely under any type of control.
I go shopping for clothes, the dream meaning here might be changing an image or direction in life. This might be assumed that I will be getting rid of old things – old habits.
I go into a store and don’t exactly know what store I am in – so I have to turn around and look at the window to see the name. This could represent the impact that the trauma of working for a narcissistic boss for 22 years and 2nd divorce simultaneously had on me. I literally did not know where I was and I lost consciousness in life. This might, also, represent the period of my life when I was using drugs and alcohol and did not know exactly where I was going in life. Especially, since I seemed to pass out immediately after entering the store. It was kind of like a drugged effect, and I knew I was going to crash immediately. Often in dreams, similar patterns in the dreamer’s life are merged into one scenario pointing to the destructiveness or ineffectiveness of the pattern.
Also, I am on the inside of the store and have to look outside through the glass to see where I am, just like I am inside my head during the dream trying to figure out where I am in life.
The Pins Represent the Trauma
The dream interpretation for the pins, I would say were all of the traumatic events in my life. The small pins that were not that painful are probably the ones that have been overcome or forgotten, however when massed together form a considerable amount blood – all of which add up to instability in my life. The big pin in my bicep I believe represents the break-up of my second marriage – because it has caused the most pain in my life for the last 10 years.
Also, this big needle is in my left arm, which is controlled by the right side of the brain. It is the right side of the brain that deals with one’s emotional life, and this is where the main wound is located.
PTSD Recovery – Removing the Pins
Pulling the pins out represents the healing process, the actual ‘PTSD Recovery’ and it is not a clean process – you bleed emotionally. I use the dream analysis or dream work for PTSD recovery from the trauma and its counterproductive manifestations, which have kept me from functioning effectively in life. The pins and bleeding are a metaphor for this process.
The women that are helping me probably represent my past therapists, sister and my oldest daughter.
The Crux of the Dream Interpretation – PTSD Recovery in Process
The woman who wants to pull out the needle for some sort of ulterior motive is an amalgam – my oldest daughter, my mother, my ex-wife and myself.
My daughter and mother probably represent a similar character – they represent the ‘just get over it’ faction and do not realize what a devastating event it was in my life. In a recent event, my anger came out when I made a nasty remark when my daughter and her husband were being extremely insensitive about my still unhealed wounds – so I made an extremely insensitive nasty comment in return and was thrown out of their house.
My ex-wife has been twisting the knife for years. Acting sexual, yet letting me know simultaneously that it was not for me. When we were still married, she had a large tattoo placed on her back. I asked her, “What’s this?”, her response was, “It is not for your eyes”.
Also, the woman may be a twisted part of my Anima (Jung) – that does not want to let go of the suffering. This side derives some sort of pleasure out of the continued suffering – even though it seems to defy logic. If I let go, I will never be able to get my revenge, so I hold on waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike – storing the perfect venom for the perfect occasion. These are some pretty large needles. Perhaps, I have allowed myself to suffer and play with the needle in my bicep to feed the need for revenge.
The good part of this is that the subconscious seems to be moving this forward into consciousness so that it can be openly worked on through my dream work. I am working on establishing a relationship with another woman that I am seriously interested in and the feelings appear to be mutual.
This may be causing the trauma, the large needle, to move to a point where it can be removed, if I let it be. Part of me objects to its removal – because the woman in the dream appears to be menacing, but the woman also looks in anticipation of removing this obstacle. It is like popping a pimple, because that removes the pain. With PTSD recovery, you must accept some short term intense pain to get over the source of the pain – usually psychotherapy and psychoanalytic dream work requires dealing with sensitive emotions which can be painful to bring into consciousness.
The rage in the dream is probably aimed at others and myself. Perhaps part of me is angry with myself for not moving forward fast enough. This dream work “isn’t a f…ing game” it is serious work for putting my life together. I am the one being hurt when I do not push myself hard enough or give into procrastination – and especially by holding onto my anger from the past.
But, the anger was also with my oldest daughter. Before my outburst of rage the other week – she stated that I should find something else to do – implying that my website was not going to be successful. A lot of people think the dream interpretation is just a circus act, like telling fortunes by looking into a crystal ball. They do not realize it is communication on a very real level from the subconscious level of the mind. It is a part of our mental makeup that tries to present us with the most accurate view of our own reality – so that we can cope better in life.
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CopyRight@LearnDreamsCompany November 17, 2015
According to Yoast SEO, I have not used the key word, PTSD Recovery, enough. I do not know how many times you can use the same term, like PTSD Recovery in an article about PTSD Recovery without making it obvious that you are over using the term PTSD Recovery. Finally, I used it enough.
Anima from Wikipedia
Anima may refer to:
- The Latin term for the “animating principle”, see vitalism