PTSD Rage and Repetitive Rage Fantasies
PTSD Rage is a dream about dealing with ‘out of control’ anger or rage when my children are present. If you have ever dealt with this problem, you have probably been given the worthless advice ‘think before you act’. There is no thinking when something like a bomb explodes, there is no time to react prior to ‘PTSD rage’ – a trigger gets pulled and the reaction is instant. Any mitigation must occur well before an event takes place, like being in long term therapy to prevent future attacks. Any defusing must take place as preventative action, because once that charge has been primed and that trigger gets pulled there is no time to think – there is just a reaction.
The Rage that explodes is usually not caused by whatever set off or pulled the trigger. The intense PTSD rage is charged by all the pent-up anger from the past that was not processed when anger was evoked in past occasions. It is like a dam holding back water, and a fracture in the infrastructure occurs, as the pressure can make a small leak, it begins to grow and then suddenly the dam gives way.
The Dream: PTSD Rage
PTSD Rage dream opens as I am trying to catch a plane with my children – and my 32-year-old daughter has the tickets and my 29-year-old son is with her – I am with my 11 and 13-year-old daughters on the other side of a rope line – I am concerned about getting the tickets – I am afraid we will become separated and won’t be able to get on the plane. The gating at the ticket line is like an amusement park with conveyors – but suddenly, it becomes a gravel/sand pit with a lot of dust and we must get on moving conveyor carts that are filled with sand. There are multiple levels and I look down at the level below and there are the bodies of dead Marines.
The bodies are barely covered with sand or a thin layer of what looks like a thin layer of plastic wrapping which has a sand like color. They were supposed to have been completely buried, but either not enough sand had been used or the plastic layer had been made too thin. I feel I am somewhat responsible for the bodies through my PTSD rage thoughts.
I want to get my 13-year-old away fast so she doesn’t see the dead men or realize what they are because she is very sensitive. – My 11-year-old is already on a conveyor ahead of us – she has managed on her own.
I keep sliding down the next grass slope of this terraced conveyor system with my 13-year-old trying to get away from the bodies – but every level has more bodies moving on another conveyor on the level below, it seems endless. – Finally, I see the 11-year-old going into a shaft and I just follow her – rushing in the 13-year-old before she has had time to register anything she may have seen. I told the younger one to fall back at one point, but she seemed to just press forward. Then we come up into an open sunny place where we must go around a hill of dried dirt to get to the airplane.
I am trying to put on a bathing suit and get exposed – penis was showing – other kids pointing it out to their parents- I am slightly embarrassed by the exposure – but I know it is necessary – so, I am not overly embarrassed. I know it is just part of what I must go through, so I bear with it.
Still heading for airplane – I don’t remember climbing onto the plane – just heading toward it – and then we were on board trying to stuff things into the overhead bins. Dream ends.
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation: for PTSD Rage
Dream Meaning – Tickets and Airplane
Trying to catch an airplane with my children has the dream meaning of attempting to move everyone forward in life. I do not want my PTSD Rage to impede their growth. My older daughter has the tickets – dream meaning here is that she took charge while I had my mental breakdown- she took over responsibility. Having the tickets would be symbolic for control. However, because of a PTSD Rage occurrence, I am afraid that the changeover of shifting responsibility back to me may not occur, therefore I am afraid the tickets may not get passed back to me, ergo, will not be able to get on the plane
Dream Meaning – Bodies of Dead Marines
Bodies of soldiers – the never-ending victims of my horrific PTSD rage fantasies – killing certain people repeatedly – the guy that had the affair with my wife – ex-boss and his henchmen – bosses from two other separate jobs and other enemies of the state. I do not want my daughter (13-year-old) to see this side of me – it will scare ‘me’ (meant to say ‘her’) (Freudian slip) – I think youngest daughter can handle it – she is braver.
Different Nature of Daughters
About 8 years before this, I passed a street fair and the 11-year-old, three at the time, spotted a pony ride from the car and wanted me to turn around. She never asked for much, so I made the effort and did a U-turn. It was a weekend in Santa Monica, California, I didn’t think we would find a parking spot but as soon as I turned into a lot, a huge spot opened. I am by myself with a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old at a packed street fair.
We get to the ponies and I am wondering how to cover both kids at once. It is our turn to get on, so I figure the 5-year-old can manage on her own, the 3-year-old will need me to hold on to her. But, it is the exact opposite, the 3-year-old hunkers down on her pony stanchly mounted, absolutely fearless; the 5-year-old is clinging onto me for fear of her life. The woman running the ride sees what is going on and smiles, offering to keep an eye on the 3-year-old, realizing she will most likely not need any assistance. Therefore, in the dream the exact nature of my daughters is portrayed as they are.
PTSD Rage / Murder – How to Cover It Up
I am trying to get away from the bodies – but they are at every level of this terraced conveyor system, due to repetitive nature of the PTSD rage related fantasies – we slide down the slopes of each grass terrace level – the same bodies are duplicated many times – I produce these fantasies over and over – burning my wife’s lover with napalm – so he can burn physically as I did emotionally/ mentally. (There’s a scary thought, someone as well balanced as me knowing how to make napalm.) Bludgeoning ex-boss with baseball bat – I want to feel the crunch or shooting him in joints so he can be in intense pain without dying too quickly – hopefully, just crippled for life, so he has plenty of time to contemplate his sins.
Covering My Tracks
Sand to cover my tracks? The dream meaning of the sand or thin veneer is that I want to hide or bury these dark thoughts, I do not want anyone, especially my children to know they exist. But, it is becoming a thin veneer – and I am afraid people will discover the bodies – the anger, violence and rage within. They will discover I harbor these types of feeling and will be afraid of me – I only want the people I hate to have the fear. But, with events like my outburst of rage, the darker side is beginning to become apparent.
However, the positive side of this exposure it that bringing it out into the open takes some of the power away from the negative charge – the negativity begins to dissipate. Keeping it enclosed or secret allows it to explode more readily.
Dream Meaning of Children Being Separated
My oldest daughter has tickets but is on other side of line – she and my son have moved on in life – she is married and my son is in law school – they do not need me anymore (in a survival sense) – but my younger daughters do. – And, I must keep things under wraps for their sake.
I keep moving fast – sliding down to the next level hoping the 13-year-old will not see the bodies –which is the dream meaning that I am having these violent fantasies – the children usually help me escape this cycle. I can concentrate on their antics when I am with them.
I see the youngest one (the braver one) going into a mine shaft – the younger one goes into her own world (she talks to herself and so do I) – she steps out of the way of drama – and I am trying to follow her example by following her into shaft – to get out of this endless maze of self-torture. Hoping I can get her sister (the frightened one) into shaft before she sees the mayhem.
Then, I tell the youngest to ‘fall back’ in the dream, perhaps thinking she should be allowed to grow up in a more childlike environment – rather than having to lead the parent or parents – my ex-wife is not a paragon of mental health either having been an incest victim.
Coming into sunny place – we are getting back to where we were – before my violent outburst. About 6 months prior to this dream, I went into a PTSD rage attack against my ex-wife’s father in front of the children. I had let my anger at him build up for 10 years and I finally blew in front of the children. The girls are ‘cool’ with me again, but it took a while – the fear of the ‘raging’ father has died down – they trust me again.
Throwing Matches on Powder Kegs
The actual event that triggered the explosion was not really the issue, it was the ten years of insults and abuse I put up with in silence either to cover up for my ex-wife or to keep the peace within the family while we were still married. The old fool did not know his daughter had been raped by the son he openly favored. The jerk kept blaming me for everything when it was his own f….d up family that caused all the problems. And, I just sat there taking it, but on that day, I shoved it all right back – on the spot, in front of the children and all his neighbors. He pushed the wrong button on that day.
Dream Meaning of Being Naked
The bathing suit, penis exposure thing – represents that the rage episode has dragged my secret or hidden PTSD rage out into the open – where I must deal with it – I was exposed – but I am not ashamed because I know I have to deal with these feelings – but with my psychotherapist and through my dreams – and not with the children present.
Moving Forward Again
Being on the plane – we are going to move forward – overhead bins – baggage fitting into overhead bins – maybe I see this as a reduction in the amount of baggage I must handle because I am trying to get this anger, PTSD rage thing handled with my therapist – and working on these issues with her is dragging this (damaged emotions) back to the surface – and therefore eruptions and dreams are going to occur.
Using the overhead bins is unusual for me. I normally check my bags in at the check-in counter because I always travel heavy carrying lots of stuff. The dream meaning of using the overhead bins is that I have reduced the amount of ‘baggage’ from my past.
Therefore, the dream has a positive ending where I make it on the airplane with all my children. The dream meaning here is that we are moving forward in life again.
Advanced Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation Perspective
In Donald Kalsched’s book, “The Inner World of Trauma” he cites two analysts, Fairbairn and Guntrip. They focus on the malevolent persecutory activity of an internal saboteur or anti-libidinal ego and view the regressed or libidinal ego as its innocent victim (an internal psychic struggle). From a Jungian standpoint, there is a tendency to see only the hatred and violence in the anti-libidinal ego, and only goodness and innocence in the “lost heart of the self” which is the victim of its persecution. There seems to be a telos or intention within the archaic defensive system’s violence, even though it is one that may go awry, leading to totally senseless violence against the psyche.
In terms of this dream, the daughter I am trying to protect is the “goodness and innocence” in the “lost heart of the self”. So, this ‘good and innocent, lost heart portion of myself is represented by my one daughter in the dream – the Amina in Jungian terms. But I am, also, the figure of force that creates the senseless violence, the anti-libidinal ego, represented by the unending treadmill of bodies – the incessant violent fantasies of revenge upon those who have hurt me. But my youngest daughter has found a way to escape- this is the aspect of myself that is trying to work through this “shit” in therapy. She is the braver one in ‘real’ life and is willing to venture forward into unknown territory. And, I guess this is a dual Amina character – a strong feminine figure who will lead to a constructive solution rather than the strong warrior male destructive conclusion of revenge and death.
Both Freud and Jung agreed on the concept that there is an inner destructive force that can be created under certain circumstances. And, prolonged trauma is one of these occasions.
Incidentally, I had read this portion of Donald Kalsched’s book a night or two before I had this dream – therefore I presume that somehow my brain saw how this pattern represented itself in my life and processed it in the form of a dream to pass this information over to my conscious mind as “something I should perhaps take a look at”. This, in a way, gives some credence to my theory that reading these dreams or books on the topic of dreams can stimulate the mental activity that creates each individuals dreams.
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End of Interpretation
Copyright@ Very Cool Dreams Company September 10, 2011
Copyright@ Very Cool Dreams Company September 9, 2014