Jungian Individuation III – Mental Health Warriors

Mental Health Warrior

Introduction – Mental Health Warriors dream is about growing through complex PTSD and taking credit for fighting through many difficult situations in life. Having never been given credit or recognition for the heroic efforts I made while others in positions of authority stole the credit for the accomplishments I achieved – I know I earned these honors and have stopped doubting myself – and I am taking the credit back – because I know I did these things.

At one point in the dream I split into nine different characters – from totally evil to totally innocent. Then, the evil character morphs into three different stages of evil or dark defense mechanisms.

BeginningStage One of Dream in Younger Years

There is a tough juvenile who is accused by authorities of committing some crimes – stealing -the kid is making up crimes he did not commit – talking about a robbery he committed when he was 9 years old. It seemed to be what they wanted to hear – like he was going to be guilty anyway.

A Poser In My Mind – Stage Two of Dream in Later Years

Later, this character had posed as a Marine and he was exposed as just being a fake Marine. A story he had made up to appear tough – but he was caught in this pretense. He had to report to a military fort where he would be stripped of this honor. He is walking to this place, rolling a large circular stone – shaped like a large disk about the size of an automobile tire. It rolled easily, there was no problem controlling it. I am accompanying in the form of the dream ego – observing everything.

Mental Health Warrior Split personality

We arrive at an old military fort, probably from the 1800’s – Mexican War era building with white stucco walls and an old iron gate – we are admitted. The guard shows us down a corridor – we pass several slots or shafts, one for each type of hero. We come to the shaft where Marines enter – we must climb into the shaft which is about 4 to 5 feet above the ground. When the pseudo Marine climbs up, I noticed he has tattoos and is muscular, he was really tough. He slides through and I slide right behind him.

Sacred or Hallowed Ground

We come out into a garden type cemetery where there are monuments to various heroes. It is sacred ground – I had the feeling that my father might be buried in this place. But unlike a military cemetery – the monuments are placed randomly, not in rows like Arlington where my father is buried.

Arlington Cemetary

Arlington Cemetery where both my father and mother are buried.

The Guys from his Unit at Amusement Park

Steepest Drop in the WorldEven though he was not a real Marine he had been assigned to a fighting unit – the guys in his unit are disappointed that he will no longer be with them – they had looked up to him. They all went to an amusement park to escape the pain or bad feelings of the separation from their comrade/friend that is being ejected. I can see them in my mind as they are going down a steep roller coaster with the ‘longest drop in the world’, there was a sign stating this as you began the decent – one soldier is about to get sick from the fall. I recognize another one, Rick, an old customer of mine. Rick could handle the fear, he was coping with it.

Apparently, the guys from his unit did not care that he was unofficial, they judged him on his character and he had been courageous, brave, loyal and was admired as a leader. They trusted him.

The Killing Fields

Then the guards lead us to a battlefield that is covered with the dead from a battle between Russian and German troops – the Russians had been mowed down in waves and I explain to a group of visitors what the Russians went through in WWII fighting the Germans.

Stalingrad - Russian dead Mental Health Warrior

 

Judgement Day

Then we (the pseudo Marine and my dream-ego) were placed in some type of cage for punishment – a group of 24 Russian military personnel watch from a window with a view into the cage.

Prisoners in cages

Splitting Personalities – Dissociation

The pseudo Marine character then breaks down or splits into 9 different animal characters. One is extremely evil and has control over or at least is greatly feared by the others.

This creature is an evil or dark character – sort of a ‘Darth Vader’, it has an ominous presence. He leaves the cage and is walking around the battlefield which is his comfort level. I am not sure of what he is going to do. He has a lot of destructive power at his fingertips. He starts to walk around a circular pool of water. One of the other creatures, a small dog, innocently begins to follow him around the pond – the dark character suddenly turns around to unleash his wrath on the dog. I see what is taking place and I move from being a passive observer and put myself in between the evil dark one and the dog. I signal the evil one that I do not want him to bother the dog. I seemed to be somewhat surprised that I could gain control of the destructive force, but at the same time appeared to be very sure or confident in my actions.

Evil Split Personalituy Innocent dissociated personality

 

Further Splitting of Dark Force – Dissociation Fine Tuned

Then the destructive force starts to morph into different forms. I am not scared but seem to realize that I am in for some type of battle or struggle. The first two forms are mechanical in nature and they radiate some type of evil of destructive force or power.

Mechanical Scarecrow

Destructive side of morphed evil

Suddenly, the first appeared close to me – it was a mechanical scarecrow whose objective is to destroy me. I realize I must destroy it quickly. I have a ray gun and keep its flow of destructive force concentrated on the upper body of the scarecrow – its exterior is very hard and resistant to my ray gun, but I keep the stream of the ray focused on its chest – the scarecrow starts excreting from its head; I realize it is reaching its end.

 

 

Bullet Proof Case Protecting Negative Energy Force

Right before it is going to self-destruct, it suddenly morphs into another object. It was like a bullet proof, very thick piece of clear plastic, shaped like the nose of a modern jet-fighter plane with a small hole at the tip of the nose. Inside was a bright ball of light – a light purple color. This had to be extinguished with powerful water guns; the jets are aimed directly at the small hole. Once again, this self-destructive force put up massive amounts of resistance against our weapons – now I had two other people helping me – my brother and another long-term friend, Bill.

Jungian Dream Morphed evil in defensive position

This force is not fighting back offensively, but it is putting up great defensive resistance to stay lit – it is the nucleus of the destructive force. The joint in my thumb was beginning to ache because I had to suppress the trigger of the water gun for such an extended period. I check on my companions and they had stopped firing. I asked them if they were out of ammunition and they said “no” they had stopped because they could not take the pain anymore – but I refuse to give in and kept my trigger suppressed despite the pain. I let them know I had no intention to give into the pain and would keep firing until the purple light had been extinguished.

Evil Russian Agent – Self-Destructive Force

Putin

My favorite KGB agent.

But, then the scene changed again. The scene changed to a control room where there is a single evil Russian agent who has me locked in a room– he apparently is to oversee my destruction. There is only a small peep hole to see into the room. I am now a sniper and have a rifle with a scope. I wait for this Russian agent to look into the hole. When he does, I get two quick shots off, one goes through the center of his forehead and as he spins the other goes through temple to temple. He stands stunned for a moment and I wonder if I had missed. He has his hands trying to plug the wounds. Then he removed a hand from his temple and the blood gushes out and he begins to slump. He was finally finished.

 

Victorious – Mental Health Warriors

Then the pseudo-Marine character is back and it was he that had done the shooting. The dream ego is back to observer role. We are walking back down the corridor we had originally entered to leave, unescorted. We come to the final door we must pass through and it is some type of security door with many slots – I am afraid we will not be able to get through – only heroes can go through and we do not have validation. But, then the pseudo-Marine heads to a wide panel on the side and just pushes it open and walks through, no hassle. I am wondering if it will work for me, I was afraid it wouldn’t, but it opens right up and I move right through.

Free at Last – Mental Health Warriors

We are on the outside and we are free. We didn’t play by the rules and we had won. The pseudo Marine had his uniform unbuttoned – non-conformingly and we walked away from that place. We were both feeling proud that we had been brave, determined and victorious over the evil force.

The dream ends.

 

Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation – Mental Health Warrior

Setting the Stage

The beginning of the dream goes back to my youth where I always seemed to be accused of things which I was not really guilty or had no devious intent. (Litany of crimes against the state) Always accused to purposely ignoring things I was told to do – this was in the 1950’s and 60s before attention deficit was widely known about or treated. I forgot things all the time, therefore was always accused of being willfully disobedient. Now, I am 64 and take Adderall. I have been taking this and similar drugs since I was 50 when it was diagnosed as one of the problems. The drugs help a lot, but I still have tremendous organizational problems. But, there is no doubt that I can concentrate much better when taking Adderall or Ritalin.

I was the top salesman for my company for many years, but the boss would continually criticize me and penalize me even though I bought in enough business for him to hire a secretary just to take care of my organizational difficulties. I, actually, requested he hire a secretary for me and he just laughed. The additional sales if I was assisted would have paid for several secretaries. He thought his penal codes would change me.

A Poser in My Mind

My father was a combat veteran of WWII and I grew up watching every WWII movie they ever made. When I was young, I idolized my father for being part of this great feat and my father had taken a very active role in combat. He had been engaged in four major campaigns including ‘The Battle of the Bulge’. I had always imagined I would be a soldier when I grew up and picked a military high school to attend when I was 13. Vietnam was just heating up at this time, and being in a military institution I was indoctrinated to be pro-war, plus I got a full dose of anti-communism at home from my veteran father.

However, by the time I graduated from high school, the country was being torn apart with the anti-war movement; the Secretary of Defense had resigned over moral issues, and as I attended college, I got a totally different picture of the situation. It was confusing to have been taught to view things one way for so long, and then have everything flipped around instantly. But, the fantasy of being a soldier stayed in my head, my family had served in the U.S. Army since the Civil War.

I was drafted into the Army (draft # 19 in last draft) and was told to report to Fort Holabird in Baltimore, but about three weeks after I received the draft noticed, they sent me another notice and told me not to report because they had decided to wind things down in Vietnam.

Therefore, in the dream, I am this pseudo-Marine who had been posing as a Marine, I am never playing the part a real Marine in the dream, just accused of posing after the fact. Marines are recognized as being tough, and I was, in fact, very tough in life – I fought against tremendous odds and survived.

When I started to work in sales for the company I worked at for 22 years, I was the only salesman the company had. Our main competitor had more than 100 salesmen at the time, and I managed to start selling more systems than the company ever had before. We had no marketing department and the company did not even have any sales literature. I had to find the accounts by door-to-door cold calls. I was getting so many good leads that my boss, the company president, started stealing the leads from me and the coward did not have the guts to make any cold calls himself.

The company grew from having two accounts when I started to over 200 accounts in four years. By 1985 we had 10 salesmen when the company president, my boss, really screwed things up; I was the only one out of the ten salesmen to survive the disaster. And, I saved the company from being shut down by the IRS with one large sale I had worked on for two years. Later, the boss would claim he made the sale and stole half of the commission by deceptive means. This was about $20,000 which was nothing to sneeze at in the late 1980s.

These are only a couple examples of the of the insanity I had to deal with over a 22-year period. So, I fought my way through some very difficult situations.

I Was Once Mistaken For a Marine

When I was ten or eleven years old, I played ‘Taps’ at a commemoration ceremony for General Clare Chennault of the Flying Tigers of WWII at Arlington National Cemetery. It was attended by Mrs. Anna Chennault and Madame Chiang Kai-shek. After I had played, a marine in full dress uniform came running over to the grave site. He was shocked when he got there, thinking I was a member of the Marine Band. He heard what he said was the most beautifully played version of ‘Taps’ he had ever heard and wanted to arrange the same bugler for another funeral he had coming up. When he saw that I was just a boy scout there with the rest of the troop from Hyattsville, MD, he was a bit shocked. Of course, he needed a real Marine Band member for the job.

It did not occur to me until I was writing this that I was never auditioned. How was our scout troop selected? However, a Colonel McIntosh of the Marine Band was one of my teachers. What if I really sucked? I don’t think they would have wanted me to play at Arlington, especially at General Chennault’s memorial service with Mrs. Anna Chennault and Madame Chiang Kai-shek present. I was never told anything except our troop was going and I was playing.

Sacred or Hallowed Ground

My father is buried at Arlington. I did not really mourn my father’s death, but that 21-gun salute choked me up a bit. My father had a severe case of PTSD – full of rage and alcoholic – we never bonded. I always had the feeling he wanted to destroy me, not help me or teach me. I believe this is the source of the self-destructive force that is behind the number 9 personality. And, both he and this force are being laid to rest which is why a cemetery is the setting.

The Amusement Park Scene

The guys that went to the amusement park, I believe represent my customers and others I worked with that respected me. I even recognized one of them, Rick, a customer from New Jersey. He was a pretty tough guy himself, he could handle himself in situations. Many of my customers had a lot of respect for me and were loyal to me as opposed to my company.

When a legal problem developed because my company really screwed some things up at Rick’s account, I stood up for the customer against my own company and threatened to testify on the customer’s behalf if the company did not make things right. Obviously, this did not help relations go any smoother with the company management, things were already tenuous. But, I had some power because so many customers were loyal to me and I could sell in hard times. Firing me would have created a sticky situation with 50% of their customer base.

“The Longest Drop in the World” represents my fall from grace – from being a respected member of the community to being fired from a job and simultaneously having my wife cheat on me publicly. I had never been fired before and the main reason for being fired was that I knew too much. I knew the product I was selling for another company at that time had major design flaws. I resigned from the company I had been with for 22 years, I was fired from a company that had acquired another company I went to after I resigned. The reasons were totally trumped up.

The combined effect of losing my job/career and wife was devastating – it was the ‘longest drop in the world’. These two events were the cause of my mental breakdown. John Medina in his book, Brain Rules, states that it is extremely likely that if someone has problems at work and in their family life, simultaneously, that they will suffer a breakdown. For me, it was the ‘longest drop in the world”.

One of the reasons I found it so hard to leave the company I had been with for 22 years was that I had so many good customers, they were like family. Several customers purchased all their computers from me for over a 22-year period, they trusted me. Also, I had played an important role in establishing the company and felt a strong sense of pride for having played this part even though the management would never admit it.

I was defiant – calling the original psychopathic company president a “Cock Sucker” to his face, although, it was a bit involuntary – it just popped out of my mouth, a gut level reaction – when he breached my contract on the way out the door to sign a $250,000 deal. He said he “was changing the commission structure immediately” so he would not have to pay me what I had earned. As a result, I was demoted as National Sales Manager, but I still did the same job, just no title.

Toward the latter part of my career, I survived three corporate merger/takeovers. In one, 50% of the company employees were let go the day of the takeover after ‘verbal’ commitments were made to keep everybody.

On that day, my new ‘handler’ took me on a slow boat ride around Treasure Island in Long Beach, CA while half of the employees were fired so that I did not have to witness the slaughter. Past events in our lives are woven into dreams when they match a pattern of similar description – therefore having been given the boat ride is metaphorically represented by ‘going to the amusement park’ for avoiding an unpleasant experience.

The Killing Fields – Explanation

Russian dead WWII

We come to the battlefield where massive amounts of dead Russian soldiers have been mowed down in a battle against the German. The Russians were forced to pay a horrendous price in defeating the Germans, usually about 5 or 6 to 1 in battle, yet they did prevail.

Emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually I had been drained from 22 years of working in an insane environment. The internal struggle within my company was much worse than dealing with the external struggle with the competition – it was a constant vicious battle the last ten years there. Some of the things the president did, when I think about them stirs up a rage – I would find it easy to take a baseball bat to him and really work him over. I can’t imagine feeling any remorse for committing such an act. Perhaps, the mounds of bodies represent my boss, and each time I have killed him, over and over, in my head. That would definitely account for the pile of bodies depicted in the picture above.

Lost Victories

My experience reminded me of a book I had read “Lost Victories” by German Field Marshal von Manstein which seemed to parallel my work experience . Manstein recounts how all of Germany’s victories against the Russians were squandered away by stupid decision made by Hitler. Hitler interfered with the German Army’s (Wehrmacht, not the SS divisions) professionally trained staff, thinking he was a master tactician when he was a fool. This is why the officers of the Wehrmacht tried to assassinate Hitler on a few occasions.

Parallelling what happened at my company, the president would always interfere with my strategies or not support them and as a result we lost a tremendous amount of business – I think of all the accounts lost that should have been won – also having to retreat from all of the victories, nothing was really gained in the end after 22 years – it was all for naught – because of inept and corrupt leadership. At the end of 22 years, our leader fell into the “evil trap” of one of our competitors in merger/acquisition legal negotiations – it was my idea that got us involved, but he took my idea and claimed it was his to everybody and shoved me out of the matter completely. In the negotiations with the competitor and the SEC he was tricked and instead of making our company worth millions of dollars, it became rather worthless. This is what lead to the letting go of half of the employees while I was being cruised around Treasure Island.

In essence, my own team captain was fouling me so he could have a better chance of looking like the ‘hero’. Twice he was so rude to my prospects visiting our facility the they left immediately and purchased other products, they wanted nothing to do with our company president. At the time, my sales would have overcast his achievements and he could not stand for that, even though it harmed his own company in the long run.

He once bragged to another employee how he had cheated me out of my sales commission. This employee told me as he walked out the door immediately after the boss broke his deal on whatever he had promised him. However, I had already known of this theft for a couple of years before because the customer who I should have earned the commission on, told me he had discovered my boss had lied to both of us about the cost of what had been sold.

The Trials – Splitting Personalities

Then we (the pseudo-Marine and dream ego) were placed in some type of cage for punishment – a group of 24 Russian military personnel watch from a window looking into the cage.

Penalty Cage = Incompetence

In real life at work, I was placed in a cubicle where the windows of the offices of the president and vice president overlooked my desk – humiliation – they were trying to make it look like I was incompetent – so I traveled a lot and often worked out of an empty office so that I did not feel caged-in.

Character Splitting – Dissociation

Donald Kalsched in his book, “Trauma and the Soul” speaks of a part of a child’s spirit splitting off when they experience trauma. Defense mechanisms are set in place to protect this part of the disconnected human spirit, in hopes that one day the chance for the spirit to be reconnected with the mind and body will arise – which is classical Jungian theory. But, he does not discuss multiple splits, if this is what the 9 characters represent. But if it does, I sense it is like a spectrum where 1 and 9 are opposite poles, and 5, the center represents the dream-ego, or true self versus the ego that I try to present in waking life.

The # 5 character encompasses or is comprised of the range of emotions all the other 8 characters are capable of. So, I have the characteristics of the ‘evil one’, the innocent puppy and everything in between. It seems that I can totally break from the other eight and exist in one dimension occasionally which allows me to go into total destructive mode and at other times a totally peace seeking path or innocence. Moderation does not seem to be on the table when these dissociative methods have been created. I sense there is some relation to addictive behavior here, where moderation does not seem to be able to exist either.

Mark Twain

The Darth character is # 9, an extremely destructive side of the shadow. On one level – the scarecrow – this dark character wants to totally destroy those that I feel are enemies who want to harm me, at the same time, to hold this force in check – this destructive agency can also operate as a self-destructive defense mechanism – the evil Russian agent. Holding onto anger prevents me from being constructive, making it hard to concentrate at times or by having violent fantasies to release the pent-up rage. There is also an anti-social aspect making it very difficult to negotiate one’s way in life – which could also be viewed as self-destructive.

 

The Innocent Puppy

Mental Health Warrior

The innocent, playful puppy that starts to follow the dark side represents my innocent side. When the early trauma occurred, I was innocent, I had done nothing wrong, but was raged at. The puppy was white which often represents innocence. I could not make any sense of these rage attacks when I was young and it happened repetitively making other people seem like objects ready to attack, therefore, a defensive posture seemed to make sense and, later, to be always prepared to counterattack.

But, I, as the dream-ego or number 5 personality, stepped-in and forced the dark side to desist from its senseless rage about to be unleashed on the puppy. I feel like I now have some control of the extreme end of the rage spectrum where I would uncontrollably lash out against others, and in this case, I see myself as the innocent puppy. I feel the anger that most people would feel at a person trying to hurt an innocent puppy and take appropriate action to save the puppy – assertive rather than aggressive. What I think is being represented here is that self-knowledge is allowing me to cancel out the extreme ends of this spectrum through better self-control and understanding.

The extremely destructive side and the childish innocence are being put aside or cancelled out. Neither position serve my self-survival or ability to be successful. Since they appear to operate in tandem – possibly, they must be cancelled out in tandem.

The other levels (2,3,4,6,7,8) are not really dealt with in this dream.

This scenario of saving the puppy is adapted by the dream creation mechanism from an actual event that occurred in my life in the early 2000s. See Appendix 1 for the full account.

Last Stand of the Dark Force – Let the Morphing Begin

The # 9 dark personality puts up a formidable last stand. First, it morphs into the scarecrow figure that had an extremely hard, metallic exterior which represents the difficult to penetrate defense mechanisms. Having had to live in such precarious environments, formidable defense mechanisms were required – now being removed from hostile environments, I can now disarm; but the armor does not come off easily. It takes a lot of concentrated effort to drop the defense shields – merely recognizing their existence and realizing that they are self-destructive if not enough – simple logic does not apply. I assume the unconscious mind knows the defenses were put there for very good reason, (of course it does, it built them) it takes time to build up both trust in other people and confidence in the self to begin to let go and begin the disarmament process.

The morphing is dissociation – when certain events spark a negative set of emotions I morph into the character I have built to handle the situation.

First Morphing of 9th character – The Scarecrow

Hostility

The mechanical scarecrow is the hostile side of myself that attacks others and myself in life. In group therapy 40 some years ago, one of the other group members that I looked up to as a big brother, described me as being ‘hostile’ – at the time I liked that image. But, it serves me no longer – I realize it keeps other people away. Perhaps, the pain of being so isolated is forcing me to capitulate. For much of my life I was very defensive, shut down emotionally, and very rarely let people in.

The whole idea of a scarecrow is to scare things away – the hostility was employed to keep people away – a defensive measure; therefore, the symbol of the scarecrow in the dream is a metaphor explaining the purpose of my hostility. Perhaps, the scarecrow is mechanical because the hostile process within myself is highly automated – being ready to defend and counterattack is a highly mechanized unconscious process.

So, this part of my personality has to be destroyed, because essentially, I am destroying myself with this characteristic. Perhaps, the excrement coming out of his head is the ‘bullshit’ I was convinced I needed to be a ‘real’ man – like being a Marine (no offense to real Marines).

Second Morphing of 9th Character – Bulletproof Defensive Encasement

When it appears that the scarecrow is going to implode as excrement begins to be emitted from its head, it suddenly morphs to the bullet proof casing. It is not attacking, but appears to be just trying to save itself, to remain encased for future use. It knows it is being defeated, therefore, assumes an entirely ‘defensive’ position.

However, there is a hole – a small opening that allows for its power to be extinguished with water.

My brother and a friend are helping me to extinguish this force, we are all aiming high powered water guns into the opening, a very small hole, to extinguish this negative energy. The other two helpers wear out, but I know I have this thing trapped now and I am determined to extinguish the destructive purple light at it’s source. Just when it appears I am going to overcome it, it morphs again.

Since water usually represents emotion in my dreams, perhaps the fact that water is used to destroy the evil force suggests that the negative energy can only be destroyed by positive emotions that manage to slip into the smallest openings. The defense mechanisms are very tightly designed; therefore, it requires concentrated effort to get to the core or nucleus of the negative forces.

This shows the resourcefulness of these defense mechanisms, they want to exist, it is not a conscious process. They have a life or ‘force’ of their own. They are so fearful of having to relive the humiliation and rejection felt in the past; not only the original trauma but the cumulative trauma of all the humiliation and rejection of the past. So, they don’t just fold their tents and go home – they are as every bit as determined to stay as the force which wants to eliminate them is determined to live. To thrive, the dream ego is aware this light must be extinguished.

Resistance is strong, but the desire to break through is equally as strong to be free of destructive force. My defenses keep morphing into different forms – it may not be a realistic goal to actually eliminate some of these characteristics, but constantly chipping away at them will decrease their hold or effectiveness over time. The defense mechanisms are actually a part of a survival system built originally to protect me from the hostile forces which existed.

Again, the dream creation mechanism has adapted an event from the past for the scenario of squirting the water guns with my brother and friend from an event about 40 years prior to the dream. The event is described in Appendix II – Walking into an Ambush. Both my brother and friend were involved in the event and all of our reactions are similar. Being a ‘Mental Health Warrior’, naturally, I chose to fight in both scenarios.

The Road Less Traveled

Putting up the fight against this self-destructive force is something that not many people are up for. Why? Because it is very hard to take a really honest, self-critical position for an extended amount of time – this is an onerous task; and, did I mention that it is very painful and lonely – ‘The Road Less Traveled’ as Scott Peck would call it; but necessary if one must penetrate extremely formidable defense mechanisms.

People die rather than face this; alcoholism, anorexia, drugs, lung cancer, suicide, strokes and heart attacks due to overeating and unresolved stress, etc. Unfortunately, there is only one way out, the ‘dark alley’ known as the unconscious. It appears to be a combination of determination and luck, as I had above, to make it through – because the defense mechanisms, also, have their ‘brain police’, vultures and monsters ready to pounce. Speaking of pouncing, we have the final morph.

The Third Morphing – The Evil Russian Agent

The self-destructive portion of my defense mechanism has been substantially weakened. Close to 7 or 8 years ago, I was suicidal – this portion of the unconscious seemed to have taken control of my spirit at that time – it had almost put my lights out. However, through therapy, dream work, alcoholics anonymous meetings, working on my other addictions (food, i.e. sugar, etc.) and exercise I have gained the upper hand and have managed to put two bullets through the head of the force that controls the main or more extreme end of the self-destructive force within me.

However, this force is not completely dead – it is more like it is becoming dormant and as long as I keep working on these issues and promoting behavior that is self-building and creative – exercise, meetings, dream work, etc. I will keep this ‘Evil Russian agent’ character at bay.

Also, I had the sense, as the dream ego, that I did not do the shooting even though I clearly did the deed in that segment of the dream. This matches up to that sense I have that I did not accomplish the heroic or major wins which I actually had achieved, because they were either not recognized or stolen by jealous inept authority figures/bosses.

Perhaps knowing that this dark side exists makes me feel like I am undeserving – it saps my energy to hold things together – I am busy taking revenge in my head, and not taking any positive or real action to assertively handle the situations that would actually achieve some real result rather than a fantasy which accomplishes nothing.

I believe the source of this self-destructive force was from my father’s rage and criticism, reinforced by other negative relationships like my narcissistic boss of 22 years, a 2nd grade nun, et al.

Moment of Hesitation for Mental Health Warrior

I hesitate before going through the final gate for heroes or ‘mental health warriors’. Perhaps, I still feel I have that lack of validation. Either the evidence or proof of my accomplishments have been destroyed or no one was around when I performed heroically or made a notable achievement. (IBM employment test – to be added)

However, I challenge this fear by proceeding through despite my doubts and make it through to the other side.

Mental Health Warrior – Free at Last

We are on the outside and we are free. We didn’t play by the rules and we had won. The Marine had his uniform buttons unbuttoned – non-conforming and we walked away from that place. We were both feeling proud that we had been brave, determined and victorious over the evil force.

I am starting to get control over self-destructive forces. Gaining self-belief /self-confidence – I have enough evidence to make my own decision – I no longer need the validation of others to feel whole or effective as a person.

Also, I feel I can be successful playing by my own rules. In the past, everything was stacked up against me, so I will no longer play in those games. One of my workmates confessed that it was blatantly obvious that my boss was cheating. His comment was something to the effect of “if I was moving the ball down the field, the boss would tilt the field to work against me”. I do not have to deal with this anymore.

End of Mental Health Warrior Dream and Interpretation

Darth plays his hand again two nights later – “Evil Jesus Christ Dream”

A night or two after this dream the ‘evil force’ appeared in another dream as “Evil Jesus Christ”. The figure of Jesus Christ was at the door of my 3rd grade classroom in the Catholic school I attended and I am in bed right inside the door of the classroom. His objective was to kill me. It was a classic figure of Christ except that eyes and the area around his eyes were very dark or black. He was going to emit some type of death ray from his eyes. My defense was on my foot – I had a pair of eyes on my foot that could also emit a death ray to fight back. But, I had trouble raising my leg to fire. The pain was too great and the blankets were too heavy – I could not lift my defenses. I woke up trying to raise my blankets with my leg. The pain in my knees was so great that I awoke. (Knees really are in bad shape – heading in for knee replacement in a week. The pain was real.)

Why Jesus Christ? My guess is the unconscious part of my mind that is supporting the darker defense mechanisms is trying to come from a place of higher authority – and when you are raised Christian, this is the top of the command chain. The setting is the Catholic school I attended for 8 years and 3rd grade was when I first seriously challenged the beliefs with which I was being indoctrinated.

(Test at IBM)

Appendix I

Saving the Innocent Puppy = Incident in New York City

The saving the puppy scene mimics another real-life event where I put myself between several rather nasty characters and a weaker innocent person.

I was in New Your City outside a theater waiting to enter to see the play “42nd Street” about 15 years ago – a year or two after 9/11. A homeless young African-American man had approached me for money and I promised him some, but first he had to listen to my spiel on Alcoholics Anonymous. I basically told him my story about getting sober. While I am talking to him I decided to get a soft pretzel from a street vendor on the curb in front of the theater.

A ‘couple of Yellow Cabs’ pulled up and some very angry unsavory characters emerged – they were lightly built, but very tough looking. They had not been raised on ‘Easy Street’. They start making threats to the street vendor – actually threatening to kill him. The street vendor was a small weaker individual – my guess is from Central America. The altercation was over the fact that the cabbies did not want the vendor’s cart on the curb. The vendor did not speak English very well, but what I could make out was that is where he was told to be – either by his boss or some regulation. He was just a poor person without power trying to survive.

Mental Health Warriors Street Vendor

The cabbies did not care about what he was trying to say, I do not think they even tried to comprehend anything he had to say. The anger on their faces and anger flashing from their eyes had this poor vendor scared to death. These were some scary characters who looked like they would carry out their threats.

Then the lead cabby got right in the vendor’s face and said they would be back with guns next time. It appeared to be some type of continuing struggle with vendor carts reducing the cabbies access to the curb – and the vendor was stuck in the middle with his job threatened if he moved the cart and his life threatened if he didn’t move it.

I did not plan or think anything through, I just suddenly spoke up and told the cabbies that with all the witnesses around, it was pretty dangerous to be making such threats. Then I mentioned they were being rather foolish because their license plates and particularly the cab ‘medallion’ number were clearly displayed for all the witnesses to see. Cab medallion numbers are worth a lot of money in NYC and extremely hard to get – losing this would probably cost them their lives.

The lead thug suddenly turned his attention and anger directly toward me. He had a lot of anger and hate in his eyes. Now he risked being put down in front of the other thugs as well as the vendor and everybody around. I felt like a gunslinger, I had no fear at this time – I was very confident that I could call his bluff because by losing his cab medallion would be cutting his own throat. I spoke calmly and logically and ignored his threats – then I took it to another level.

I played a power game on him. My daughter worked for the mayor of Los Angeles. I told the cab driver that I personally knew the Mayor of Los Angeles and that it would be no problem for the Mayor of Los Angeles to call the Mayor of New York and have his cab medallion number tracked down. Now I was dealing at a level way over the lead thug’s head – he probably had no idea how things worked at this level, but he knew I was talking about real power. He had no idea who I was, just a guy in a suit attending the theater. I told him we deport undesirable aliens here and his face changed from anger and hate into confusion and worry – he suddenly back down and ordered his thugs back into the cabs and took off.

The vendor thanked me for saving him and the homeless guy had his eyes wide open and said, “I have never seen anything like that in my life”. I felt very good about myself for having done that, and I was a bit surprised at my action. But just like in the dream, I felt no fear facing this dark force and felt in control of the situation, like I was in command here and could handle this situation – completely confident.

When I came out of the theater the homeless guy was waiting for me and offered to walk with me back to my hotel because there was safety in numbers between the theater on 42nd street and my hotel a few blocks away. The restaurant was still open when we got to the hotel and I invited the homeless guy to come in and get something to eat. As soon as he started to enter the restaurant the employees came forward to throw him out, but I said the he was with me, that I was buying him dinner and they seated us. I talked to the homeless kid about alcoholics anonymous and going to a meeting – this was NYC, I knew there were meetings all around. I never saw him again, I just hope something that happened that night made a change in his life.

 

Appendix II

Walking into an Ambush – 40 years ago

The scenario of my brother and friend helping me suggests an actual event which occurred 40 years ago at the University of Maryland.

In the dream my brother and a friend are helping me, but they give up. This actually mirrors an event from 40 some years earlier, during the campus unrest in the early 1970’s. The three of us were walking down the middle of a deserted street late at night as tear gas and pepper gas hung in the air – there was a general campus curfew which we were ignoring and we walked into an ambush, I believe it was the National Guard – after reviewing photo with large riot sticks, I am sure it was the National Guard who replaced the Maryland State Police (in chapel photo) as things got out of control.

Suddenly, this huge guy in full riot gear: helmet, shield and very large riot stick, comes charging out at us from behind some bushes. I assumed we had no choice but to try to take him down because he was nearly on top of us – the three of us probably could have taken advantage of his charge and thrown him down.

Determined resistance

Tear gas and pepper gas hanging in the air.

I turned toward the trooper to get ready, then checked to see if my brother and friend were ready; they were gone! I hit the fight response, they hit the flight response. And, now this trooper had only one target – fortunately, I knew the back allies well. I headed into this alley that was blacked out because of the curfew, I was aware that half way down the alley a brick wall of a building jutted out about 5 feet, but it was pitch black so I had my hand out to feel for the wall. I touched it and swerved around the structure. Again, fortunately for me, the trooper was unaware of the brick wall and I heard a crash and thud behind me, but did not turn around to look. At the time, I had a pocket full of speed because it was exam time and I had been out making the purchase before I ran into my brother and friend.

Therefore, there is a direct connection between the scenario in the dream and that which was played out in reality 40 years earlier – same people and same responses.

 

CopyRight @ Very Cool Dreams Company March 30th, 2015