House of Rage – It’s in the Infrastructure – On tap
! 11-5-2011 555
I am at the sink in an upstairs bathroom of the house I grew up in. The faucet has a tremendous amount of pressure, it is trembling and, finally, blows off the plastic faucet cover and water goes all over the place. I put the cover back on and tell mother about the problem. She seems perturbed at me because I didn’t handle the problem and she comes in and turns the water off – the water turns off. But I realize that the problem hasn’t really been fixed and I become angry – I feel she did not take the time to understand what I wanted to explain to her about what I thought was causing the faucet to burst. And as soon as she leaves, the faucet blows off again and water is going all over the place – I somehow get the water to go into the bathtub – but it is still going out of control –I know something is really ‘fucked up’ because she will not believe me – she won’t come to really check the problem out. I leave and shut the bathroom door and water is coming out from underneath the door.
Then we are at dinner table – dad is not there – but I can sense his anger – my cousin/God-Daughter is coming down from upstairs – I am hoping she will explain the situation to my mother – but she says nothing. I get real angry and take my dinner to my room – Then police come (I guess because I was so angry) – feeling rage – I drive away in my car to escape from them.
Then I am at place where brother works and I had been fired from that employer before in dream (this never happened in reality) – it is a warehouse with aisles of shelves – then these huge spiders come down from ceiling – they are about a foot long and 10 inches wide, their string is like rope – and I try to avoid them – and I thought they missed at first – but suddenly I start losing consciousness and I think a couple more bite me. I am just about unconscious – at that point someone asks me if I’m OK – I try to snap out of it but I can’t. My finger itches – like I have been bitten.
Some other guy comes into the warehouse office who has a very small injury a small injury – and gets a large sum of money because he has been injured. The employers, including my brother, just give me what’s left over – a stack of $10 bills – I decide it is at least enough to buy a gun. I feel like I had really been screwed.
Then I am at my place of employment of 22 years – And the President of company and main programmer were there – Then I go to a movie theater to buy gun – I glance at the marquee, “Ben-Hur” is playing – I pass a store in the mall – they sell fans for your feet – like for drying toenails at a woman’s nail salon.
Then I leave mall – outside I know a plot is being hatched to frame or destroy me – I spot three guys in military uniforms – something about them trying to act gay and getting close to me to make it look like I am with them or that I have committed an act where I am associated with them – their intention is to defame or incriminate me – I avoid them – but I am forced out into street where it is dangerous – cars are coming at me on a one-way ramp – the three guys that force me out were feeling guilty for what they had done to me – they go by me in a car down the wrong way on a one-way street and crash the car in head-on collision – because of their guilt for what they had done to me.
Then a catastrophic event occurs – like an earthquake – dazed people are wandering in street – traffic is stalled all over – a group of women come up and try to help me – have a piece of glass in my face – above my right eye – as I come to – I feel more pain – the women are helping me and have a moist cloth over my face – I think I am OK but the pain gets greater – I realize that it is not just a piece of glass but that I have shards all over my face and that I am injured severely – a couple of liquor trucks pass by – I want some alcohol to kill the pain but they are not stopping – they are in fast moving traffic that is clearing up – I feel they don’t want to stop because they know they would have to give the liquor away to the injured – and I think there are many others injured also –
I was lying on the road – women were still holding me – so I knew it was bad – I was thinking – What’s the use? I felt like giving up – then I realize that some little arms are holding me – and I realize it’s my two youngest daughters – and then I know I have a reason to go on – even though I was really ‘fucked up’ – with all the glass in my face – feel like I will be hideous, but must go on despite my despair. Woke up and wrote this at 4:30 AM 12/5/11.
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation: House of Rage
This dream covers my issues with rage as both a receiver and giver. It depicts how it began in my early life and the misfortune it had created in my life to present.
1) The pressure in the plumbing is the tension and rage that flowed through the infrastructure of the house whenever my father was around – he is dead now, hence his absence, but it still flows through me, but that was his energy, and I sense it because it now flows through me. The rage and anger were pervasive just as plumbing spreads to all parts of a house – amazing how the mind sees these metaphors and connects them together with emotions as we sleep.
2) This explosive and destructive rage – that my mother did not want to look at – but wanted to stay in denial of –she just wanted to give it some sort of quick fix and move on without really addressing the problem – like whenever my father would rage out and hit me or have one of his out of control verbal assaults – my mother would say something to the effect of “He didn’t really mean it” and she would talk to him privately – then the matter would be swept under the proverbial carpet and I would never hear about it again, as if it never happened. – and I wanted to address the problems and get at their roots – like in our family discussion
3) The family discussion ( in reality 40 years ago) – in the dining room when I broke out into a fit of rage followed by my father fit of rage (see appendix the follows for details) –The ‘brain’ police come, they know I have been dealing with emotions which were against the law in our household. They are the forces that cause one to suppress their feelings, cause me to run away from real feelings so that I never really deal with them. When the police show up I drive away – This could be my suppression of emotions in general or my moving away from the East Coast to California to get away from the ‘fucked up’ world I grew up in. Unfortunately, I bought my conscious and subconscious with me.
4) At my brother’s place of employment – my brother was always very responsible (an accountant) – he never had any of the messy or disorderly problems I had from digging into problems – he was always able to block them – he could tune the ‘bullshit’ out, so he could just go on with life – kind of like Mom – he always had the stable jobs – and would sometimes bring me in – but I think he was always afraid – knowing I was a wild card – and I had this feeling entering into the warehouse in the dream –
5) Then the spiders attack – typical – I have always seemed too attracted bad karma – at first I am trying to deny being bit or affected by the spiders – then I realize it’s worse than I thought – this is current situation in my life with mental breakdown, it is much worse than I feel it should be. I felt I should not have let breaking up with my second wife, losing jobs and poor financial status affect me so badly – that I should just be able to shake it off.
But in dream I am losing consciousness – the toll of it just about punched my lights out, as it was in real life. I was fighting just to keep my eyes open – This other guy that was slightly injured in dream was awarded a lot of money when his injury wasn’t nearly as bad as mine – I felt a lack of support from my brother, ex-wife and maybe society in general. They did not really understand the totality of stress I had undergone (later discovered I had Asperger’s Syndrome or that I fell into the ‘high functioning’ autistic category) – they made sure the other guy got awarded a decent amount of money – but no one stuck up for me even though my injuries were worse, I assume because they were mental problems. I probably feel this way because my brother feels he came through the same thing I did and wasn’t affected and he doesn’t understand why I can’t tune it out like he did. And therefore, do not deserve special treatment – even though he gave it to the guy whose injuries were less than mine because mine cannot be seen (psychological). However, I was the one that inherited the alcoholic genes which seem to carry depression along with it which now could also be combined with Asperger’s Syndrome (basically, I received my father’s genetic make-up).
I have a strong sense that the spiders are my employers of 22 years, especially the company President, his suck-up Vice President and the ass-kissing office manager that were always trying to take my accounts away and claiming my ideas and accomplishments were theirs. Like the common conception of spiders, they were wicked and vicious.
A book that describes this ‘breakdown’ process well is “Brain Rules” by John Medina. One of the points he makes is that when a person has high stress at home and at work, a ‘breakdown will most likely occur and that there are physiological causes, as well as mental, for this. If you have had or are having a problem like this – I highly recommend reading this book. (Available in Amazon Bookstore on this site).
6) The car crash of the three military personnel that were trying to incriminate me to bring me down. A different metaphor for ex-employers (the spiders had morphed). They were always trying to discredit me, make me look incompetent as a pretext for taking accounts away. They kill themselves out of guilt – probably my wish to have them killed. These people would certainly never feel guilty, only I see that they should feel guilt – so I am the one who has chosen their form of death in a way I see fit.
7) Buying the gun at a theater – seemed like a likely place to buy a gun ? Perhaps the theater in my head is the only place my revenge ever takes place – the revenge fantasies in my head – I even have revenge double features and revenge re-runs. Also, the movie I was going to see is a classic case of being persecuted unjustly and then seeking revenge. Although in the dream, while I am heading to the theater, I was not aware of which movie I was going to see. However, my unconscious knew exactly where it was sending me.
I glance up at the marquee as I enter the theater to buy the gun and “Ben Hur” is playing – the classic injustice and revenge story. For those who do not know the story – a guy is unjustly punished and is sentenced to the galleys of a Roman warship – he uses his hate to keep himself alive (I know that feeling well). The evil Masalas (President of my company) betrays Ben Hur who was once his friend. Ben Hur triumphs and Masalas is trampled to death by horses in a chariot race in the Roman arena, a fitting revenge. (God, I love that part!) What is interesting is that seeing the marquee was just a flash in the dream, that movie captures the entire essence of my story – how does such a complex thought – the matching and comparisons racing through the neurons making the connections between my life and Ben Hur happened in a split second. I have always like that part in the movie. Now, how do I get my ex-boss to enter in a chariot race?
To give you a better idea that my boss’s wickedness wasn’t only in my head, he kept a copy of Machiavelli’s “The Prince” on his bookshelf. He once commented on how “it was the only book he ever learned anything out of in college”. This book basically instructs rulers how to use ‘evil’ to its maximum effectiveness to control their subjects.
8) Some catastrophic event takes place – maybe an earthquake – this represents my breakdown. People are wandering in the streets and traffic is jammed up all over the place. Between work, divorce and financial wipeout I buckled under, my world quaked. I am in a daze from the disasters in my life and I cannot move forward – I was jammed up.
9) Injuries – At first when I am ‘coming to’, I think my injuries are only slight. I think with a little help I am going to get up and brush myself off and get back in the race. But like Masalas, I have been trampled by the horses – I have shards of glass covering me. The women helping me are most likely my mother, my sister, and therapist, Kristy who assisted me on getting back on my feet.
However, at one point I felt like giving up, felt suicidal. Everything looked hopeless, there was not much left to Masalas after he was trampled in the arena and that is how I felt. What was the use? Or, of what use was I?
But then I notice two sets of little arms supporting me. These represent my young daughters who were about four and six at the time. They were my reason for continuing. Victor Frankel, a prominent psychiatrist/psychoanalyst who survived the Nazi concentration camps wrote a book called “Man Search for Meaning”. One of the points he makes is that in order for people to survive very difficult situations they have to find a purpose in which they give something back to life – and raising children is one of these purposes. And these little arms are what gave me the purpose to hold on.
Met with Kristy (My therapist) 12-7-11 Interpretation
My therapist’s, Kristy, who’s observation was that I was under a lot of pressure – the same pressure, perhaps even more than the guy who owned a large local business who committed suicide. (The guy hung himself from the mast of his yacht). Then she asked me when was the last time I had cried – I didn’t get the connection – she thought that since the dream was so dark – offering little hope that I would cry – it didn’t even occur to me – I didn’t even see the dream in terms of darkness – but of my reality which I have to face – The dream was even hopeful to me at the end when I have two little girls that care about me. She also commented that my affect was off, meaning I do not feel the emotions or at least do not display the emotions that normal people should feel. This could be partially due to the Asperger’s/Autism difficulty.
I wonder if the dreams are created in advance – knowing the desired outcome – like there is a director and author creating the play in advance – or is it second by second – processing on the fly – guided by the mind that knows what it needs to process to survive or move the spirit or psyche forward – or to protect the core being – maybe not to move forward for individuals who choose not to redirect their lives – redirecting may create the struggle which activates the subconscious to extremes – does everyone who is struggling to survive or change activate or stir this subconscious demon? – like Pandora’s box – if this is disturbed it unleashes or unravels the core belief system – and then has to be reconstructed into a new belief pattern that makes some sense – so that the psyche can be brought back into equilibrium or self-destruct – drugs, alcohol, sex. food addictions or direct suicide.
The spiders in the dream – reminds me of an article Kristy had given me previously on trauma victims – how other people (bullies) sense when you have been traumatized – especially bullies and they know you have a weakness – and that they can get away with picking on you. My ex-boss definitely knew how to take advantage of my weaknesses. The spiders “zeroed in” right at me – and rendered me defenseless – knocked out my defense systems. When you have been traumatized, your defense systems become disabled when you are under attack – as if you are frozen or in a trance and you are unable to put up a defense – which only exacerbates the situation – leading to further trauma – it encourages the bully toward more brazen behavior and the victim to more humiliating defeat. My ‘old’ answer was to meet the affront with one massive attack of violence where you have total control – a gun – and the bully can no longer play their games.
However, the old answer was only in my fantasy world and not a good solution for many reasons. I am doing this ‘dream work’ and psychotherapy, so, I can hopefully come up with better alternatives. Although, the idea of total forgiveness does seem awfully hard to swallow, however, does appear to be the only way out of this abyss.
The book, Ben-Hur was written by General Lou Wallace, who was a Union officer during the Civil War. At the Battle Shiloh, fought in Tennesse, in 1862, the reserve unit he commanded was ordered to move forward to a certain position on the battlefield. The commanding General issuing the orders did not specify which route Wallace should take. There were two routes that he could use. One was right down by the area where the battle was taking place. The other was well behind the battle line, but led to the position where he was ordered to report as well.
General Wallace took the route that was behind the lines figuring he could arrive at the ordered position faster because he would not be hampered by all the confusion right behind the front line. That area would be congested with supply wagons, wounded, artillery and a lot of activity.
While General Wallace was on the route down the back road to the position ordered, the commanding General changed his mind and issued another order for him to report to a position at a weak point along the other road, which he assumed Wallace would take. He sent a messenger who could not find Wallace’s troops along the battlefield road. The commanding General then accused General Wallace of disobeying orders, cowardice and slandered him every way he could. Even though the commanding General later learned of General Wallace’s rational for taking the back road, this commanding General never changed his attitude toward General Wallace and continued to smear his reputation.
I have seen the actual maps at the Shiloh Battlefield museum, and General Wallace made a reasonable decision, especially for getting to the position where he was originally ordered to report. Therefore, it is easy to see that General Wallace is represented by the falsely accused Ben-Hur in the book, and the commanding General is the evil Masalas. To understand this, you have to watch the 1959 version of the movie where Masalas is trampled to death in the chariot dual between Ben-Hur and Masalas, not the 2016 version where they hug and make up in the end. General Wallace got his revenge by writing a very popular book.
End of Interpretation
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Anger or wrath (rage) is an intense emotional response. It is an emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation, hurt or threat. Anger can occur when a person feels their personal boundaries are being or going to be violated. Some have a learned tendency to react to anger through retaliation as a way of coping. Anger may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations. Raymond Novaco of University of California Irvine, who since 1975 has published a plethora of literature on the subject, stratified anger into three modalities: cognitive (appraisals), somatic–affective (tension and agitations), and behavioral (withdrawal and antagonism). William DeFoore, an anger-management writer, described anger as a pressure cooker: we can only apply pressure against our anger for a certain amount of time until it explodes (rage).
Anger or rage is an emotional reaction that impacts the body. A person experiencing anger or rage will also experience physical conditions, such as increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and increased levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as an emotion which triggers part of the fight or flight brain response.Anger or rage is used as a protective mechanism to cover up fear, hurt or sadness. Anger or rage becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behavior of another outside force. The English term originally comes from the term anger of Old Norse language. Anger and rage can have many physical and mental consequences.
The external expression of anger or rage can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times public acts of aggression. Animals, for example, make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare. The behaviors associated with anger are designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behavior. Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants.While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of “what has happened to them,” psychologists point out that an angry person can very well be mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.
Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by virtually all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival. Anger is seen as a supportive mechanism to show a person that something is wrong and requires changing. Anger can mobilize psychological resources for corrective action. Uncontrolled anger or rage can, however, negatively affect personal or social well-being and impact negatively on those around them. It is equally challenging to be around an angry person and the impact can also cause psychological/emotional trauma if not dealt with. While many philosophers and writers have warned against the spontaneous and uncontrolled fits of anger (rage), there has been disagreement over the intrinsic value of anger.The issue of dealing with anger has been written about since the times of the earliest philosophers, but modern psychologists, in contrast to earlier writers, have also pointed out the possible harmful effects of suppressing anger. Displays of anger can be used as a manipulation strategy for social influence.
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- Novaco, Raymond W. (1986). “Anger as a Clinical and Social Problem”. In Blanchard, Robert J.; Blanchard, D. Caroline. Advances in the Study of Aggression. 2. Academic Press. pp. 1–67. doi:10.1016/b978-1-4831-9968-9.50002-x. ISBN 9781483199689. OCLC 899004162.
- DeFoore, William (1991). Anger : Deal with It, Heal with It, Stop It from Killing You (1st ed.). Health Communications, Inc.
- “Anger definition”. Medicine.net. Retrieved 2008-04-05.
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- Raymond DiGiuseppe, Raymond Chip Tafrate, Understanding Anger Disorders, Oxford University Press, 2006, pp. 133–159.
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- Primate Ethology, 1967, Desmond Morris (Ed.). Weidenfeld & Nicolson Publishers: London, p.55
- Raymond W. Novaco, Anger, Encyclopedia of Psychology, Oxford University Press, 2000
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