3/14/2012 – I Married Nurse Jackie?

Paralyzing Fear – Then Regaining Control of Situation

Phase I of the Dream – Snake in the Basement – Fear Takes Hold

 

I was in bed in the basement of the house I grew up in – I was afraid to move, almost paralyzed by fear – there was a large black snake loose on the floor. This snake had the power of total destruction. At first, I thought the snake was in a pile of clothes that was on the floor – I was afraid the snake could climb through the pile of clothes and get into the bed that I was on. I had a stick and was trying to move the clothes off of the bed – the pile of clothes had moved to the bed. But I was frozen with fear and could only move the clothes a little at a time – it took a lot of effort. I kept poking at clothes to make sure the snake was not in the pile.

Snake causing Fear

Then, I was sure the snake had moved under the large cupboard used to store winter clothes. I was still afraid to get off of the bed to look under the cupboard. Finally, I got on the floor to look under the cupboard and I poked the stick under the cupboard to see if the snake was there. When the snake came out, I froze up again – and he got into the clothes that were around me, again, I could hardly move because of the fear.

The Snake Whisperer

Then the snake seemed to know I was trying to hurt it – I could now sense the feelings of the snake – and he climbed into a pile of clothes next to me and started to whimper. The snake was experiencing fear also – he wanted me to take care of him – the snake basically surrendered to me – and then I realized he didn’t want to harm me. I felt that I somehow had been able to conquer or overcome the snake’s dangerous aspect and tame him – ‘the snake whisperer’?

Overcoming Fear Controlling Fear

Phase II of Dream – “What we have here is a failure to communicate”

Back to Fear

Fear - Shutout Fear - unstable standing

Then, the scene changes, and I am on the outside of a tall high rise apartment building – I am standing on top of a large stack of plastic bins 5 to 10 stories deep – rather high up and unstable. I am in a rather precarious position in danger of falling about 5 or maybe 10 stories high. Once again, I think there is a dangerous snake in one of the bins – then it starts moving around in a bin – and I am frightened at first – but I realize from the way the creature is moving that it is not a snake – and I suspect it is a monkey.

Fear of Snake Fear dissipates with monkey

Regaining Control of Situation

Finally, he shows his face and it is a little monkey – he is trying to get into an apartment but the window is not open – no one is there at first, but, then, a Chinese girl, who does not speak English, comes over and I hope she will open the window so that we can both crawl into safety. But, she is too afraid to open the window because we are strangers – I try to convince her and tell her to leave her apartment door open or to go get a friend – but she leaves us out there.

I realize I have to begin my descent down – using the stack of plastic bins as a ladder and holding onto the outside of the building – I was afraid as I started to descend – but the fear subsided after I got down a few levels – there were more monkeys in the rest of the bins –we all got down safely – and some people we congratulating me for saving the monkeys.

Children represented by monkeys

 

Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation – Overcoming Fear

The fear was the fear I felt in the house when I was growing up – I will go with the Freudian theory that the snake represents a penis – which would have represented my father’s rage. It was his rage that paralyzed me and made it so that I could hardly move – I remember actually being so frightened that it was like I was frozen – and I was trying to go up the stairs when we (brother and myself) thought a burglar was in the basement – I would have thought I would have run fast – but I was like a statue – trying to move but just about unable to move at all. I had a fear I was a coward – what would I do in a war in battle like my father was. Would I freeze there too? Perhaps, the snake, in the frightened state, was my father when he was old and sick – he lost his penis and was not longer a threat – in fact, he was rather pathetic – depression and illness made him impotent.

The pile of clothes could be the subconscious – the rage and fear are still hidden within that pile.

I am poking the pile with a stick – and I am prodding my subconscious by analyzing dreams. This analysis stirs up all of the emotions – the rage and fear that still cause many conflicts in my life today. So, the dream starts out in my childhood environment where these problems began with a stifling effect and then progresses into the second phase of the dream where the same emotions cause consternation, but I am able to overcome the forces that could block me in the past and I make it safely down to the ground at the end of the second phase of the dream.

220px-Natrix_natrix_(Marek_Szczepanek) Taming fear

The snake symbol causes a paralyzing fear – the fear of total destruction which remains alive in my mind. The fear takes on a life of its own. When I feel threatened or in an insecure position, it carries the weight of total destruction – suicidal thoughts, depression, procrastination, etc. There was no real security when I was young because the maniac not only lived in the house, he ruled it.

My father beat my brother so badly that my mother seriously thought about leaving him, but this was before I had any memories of events – my mother relayed the story to me when I was much older, as my father was dying. But, fear in my early environment must have been pervasive. My father would have out of control rage attacks for things that were illogical – a mere difference of opinion or if you asked a question and he felt you should already know the answer – asking for help with homework could carry the death sentence.

In my mid-twenties, I had to pull a knife on my father because he was beating my sister who was ten years younger than me. My sister has no recollection of the event, but then, she hardly has any memory of her life from the time she was born until she was 18 years old.

I worked on overcoming this fear in psychoanalysis starting in my early twenties which allowed me to begin to move forward at that time. However, high-stress situations overwhelmed my ability to cope in my early fifties.

The portion of the dream about the monkey represents my life currently (2012). The stack of bins that I am standing on is unstable and I am still in a precarious position – approaching 60, I am retired on disability, not financially secure and I still have children to raise and care for (the monkeys), however, I did manage to handle the situation and escaped from the immediate peril.

The woman who will not let me in is my 2nd ex-wife. She is afraid I will harm her – even though it is my life that is in danger on the outside of the building – she shows no concern for my well-being versus the concern for her own safety which in reality is not actually threatened. I did a lot to support her when she was having problems, but the moment I was in trouble she turned her back.

When my first marriage ended I put my ex-wife through law school and did everything I could to get her off to a good start. I assumed with the second wife she would be reasonable – but, no dice.

In the dream, the woman is Chinese (In reality, 2nd wife was Caucasian) and the window is shut so there is no way to communicate to get through to her. Metaphorically, the Chinese woman represents my ex-wife, because there is a language or communication barrier between us, plus the window is closed which might represent closed ears or closed mind. We come from two different worlds – we do not speak the same language, metaphorically, and come from a different culture. She came from a world where she was sexually abused by men and, therefore, cannot communicate with men, especially if they are warm, understanding and can be vulnerable. I came from a world where I could communicate with women safely, just not other men.

Actually, she trusts no one – I tried to get her to a therapist that specialized in rape and incest issues and the therapist told me I was wasting my time; that she was not even close to opening up with anybody and told me that she could not work with her. Basically, she was too far gone.

And, perhaps this is why a monkey is present. I feel like I was innocent (a monkey rather than a snake) and I had to take the rap for what her brother and other men had done to her.

I had hopes that we would be able to put the marriage back together – but it became apparent that this was not going to happen, so I began to deal with that – and I managed to get down from the dangerous position to safety on my own. This is represented in the dream by me trying to talk the Chinese woman into opening the window and letting me in, and the woman’s refusal to open the window and turning her back. She left me in a very fragile position and literally cut me off – like outside the window 5 or 10 stories of the ground, standing on a pile of unstable bins.

I want to communicate with her, I want her to let me in – just like I wanted to try to get our marriage back together – but she did not want this any longer. My theory is that she originally found me attractive because I had the traits of a good father. She was 36 when we met and had never been married and apparently decided it was time to have children. (Actually, there is no doubt about that, I found her journals in storage one day.)

In the beginning of our relationship she adored me, I was not accustomed to such an attractive and cute woman falling all over me. She informed me she was infertile, therefore using condoms was not necessary – she was a nurse, I assume she knew what infertility was. She was pregnant in a very short time; infertility was never an issue. Shortly after a second child, her attraction toward me died and she took up with some white-trash piece of shit with tattoos who 13th stepped her at AA meetings which she was attending due to her addiction problems.

Perhaps being in a bed in the beginning of the dream points out that the dream will be about marital problems since sex is usually conducted in a bed, and my bed was not in the basement growing up. I associate my father with the basement because that is where his workshop was located, along with his supply of alcohol.

I married “Nurse Jackie”?

Nurse Jackie=2nd wife

I never watched the TV series “Nurse Jackie”, but somebody told me about it. Nurse Jackie is an addict doing all kinds of mischievous things, and she always manages to make it appear that it is the other people that have the problems – this has an amazingly familiar ring to it.

This dream took place as I started to regain control over my life after having had a mental breakdown due to employment problems (I went through three corporate takeover/mergers involving many betrayals) and the simultaneous break-up of my second marriage. I read a book called “Brain Rules” by John Medina, a developmental molecular biologist, who just about guarantees that someone who goes through this combination of events will breakdown. In my case, he predicts correctly.

John Medina

“What we have here is a failure to communicate” if a line taken from movie”Cool Hand Luke” with Steve McQueen made in the 1960’s.

 

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Copyright@VeryCoolDreamsCompany May 30th, 2016