Dream – Circa May 2012 Kristy
This dream is about the fear of letting go of an addiction and giving up a certain level of comfort versus facing the reality of who you really are and accepting it. Essentially, you are trading a false life for a real life. However, there is a tremendous amount of fear when letting go of the security provided by the addiction and a fear of having to face the reality of who you are and the hard work to actually put a real life together. A fear of failure and there can also be a fear of success.
The Dream : I am on the top of a mountain – and the cliff is a few feet away – I want to look over the edge – to get the view from up high – but I have a tremendous fear of going close to the edge, as if I will certainly fall to my death – so I stay near the rock base – then I notice more and more people are looking over the edge – so I get the courage to go a little closer – a kid from grade school (50 years ago) brings a group of hikers in – finally, I get the courage to go up to the edge – I can see the drop is only a few feet – and it slopes down gently into a garden with waterfalls and ponds. This leads to a Plexiglas set of panels which overlooks the drop from the mountain – it is completely enclosed and very safe – no chance of falling – my fears were unfounded and I am a little ashamed I had so much fear going to the edge of the cliff.
There is a pastry counter at the bottom of the garden – the glass case has blueberry Danishes which look extremely tempting – there is silver bowl with a ladle filled with a white sugar pastry icing for extra icing on the pastries – I want a pastry with extra icing – I am standing in line – not sure which one to pick – I had to go to the bathroom really bad (bowel pressure) – but I was trying to hold it because I wanted to get my pastry – suddenly, a turd pops into my pants – I fear people will smell it, feel shame, but I remain in line because I have to get my pastry – Hoping my clothing will hold the smell in – There is a woman next to me – she thinks the turd is a jewel and wants to feel it – and I am afraid she will discover it is not a jewel.
I think I got the pastry and I am making a bee line toward the men’s room and the woman is following me – going up stairs around seats of an auditorium trying to stay ahead of the woman – the woman just about caught up with me – but then two guys are also going to men’s room and I slip away with them – they are from AA – we were trying to make it to an AA meeting and hit the men’s room first – I am relieved to get to the stall, but in my stall the toilet seat is ripped off and the other two guys are in the remaining two stalls – but I don’t have to sit – just remove the ‘jewel’ from my pants – but then I notice most of the stall wall is gone (it had rusted or been torn off) and the guy next to me can see me – I am extremely embarrassed at first – but I don’t feel so bad when I can see he is covered with shit – he went all over himself – I think it is disgusting and he is laughing about it – like it’s an everyday occurrence for him – he looks extremely relaxed, as if he is sitting in his ‘Lazy Boy’ chair – I go to clean up and there is a doctor and his wife who is also a doctor (surgeons) both from India – there is a bucket of organs – kidneys – there is a creature that looks like a kidney – but is a baby – deformed – my mother is there and tells me the baby is 28 years old – she is exclaiming how cute the baby is and I feel it is pathetic – I don’t believe it can be 28 years old – but the doctors confirm it – I feel really bad that this creature had to live for 28 years crammed into a little vessel – living such a tortured constricted life.
Then I make my way back down to the pastry shop again – somehow I had never gotten the first one – when I returned the shop woman was gone – but she eventually appeared and offers to make me a fresh one – but, the one I originally saw was still there and I was afraid a new one would not be as good as the original one looked – I said I wanted the original one in the case – and the woman started to renew it by ironing the bread covering (it was like a skin) and putting fresh icing on it – (Never got to taste it in dream – it must have ended here)
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation
Pastry case = addictions
Turd (a.k.a. jewel) = shit in my life caused by trying to get addictions satisfied
Looking over cliff = facing life and unfounded fear or was founded early on in life, but no longer valid
Garden = garden of life – which is accessible if you face your fears
Woman wanting to feel turd = Kristy, my therapist – wanting to get into my shit – analysis – looking at the dark or hidden side – things I am embarrassed or ashamed of – but have to talk about to recover from the things that paralyze me with fear.
The fear of looking over the mountain – is the current fear I have of in facing life after mental breakdown – can’t go through what I did before – fear of my own violence breaking out – fear of failing – not being able to get it together again – not being able to find my niche again – possible suicidal feelings – fear of them – fear of falling over the cliff – scared stiff because I actually got close to it.
But when I see all the other people being able to look over the edge, I realize that it can’t be as bad as I thought it was – or not that many people would have gone so close to the edge – When I looked over and saw the drop was only a few feet to a garden – I felt silly that I was so fearful of something that wasn’t really there – it was safe, only in my mind did the fear of falling to my doom exist. Upon discovering it was safe, I wanted to go into the garden right away (ready to move ahead again in life) – it was enticing with its water flowing down the terraced slope. (It is exciting to be moving back to California. I had been living on the East Coast for several years recovering from the breakdown.)
Then I saw the pastry shop with its inviting Danishes in the showcase – blueberry with plenty of the white pastry icing. I was trying to decide which one I wanted – but I realized I had to go to the bathroom really bad – bowel pressure was intense, but I wouldn’t leave until I got my pastry – suddenly a turd popped into my pants and I am very embarrassed – I was afraid people would smell it – The Danishes represent addictions – to food, drugs and alcohol, sex – whatever controls my attention or obsession at the time. This obsession destroys my focus – gets me off track from putting my life together. It creates the shit in my life. Then I have to hide the shit – fear people will think poorly of me for it – mistakes I make, messy desk, unsuccessful relationships, poor financial standing, murderous fantasies, etc.
The woman trying to feel the turd as if it’s a jewel is my therapist, Kristy – she cherishes my dreams and other work I do in therapy by bringing the shit out into the open – and even though I know it is good to get things out into the open – I still resist it because I am embarrassed by it – I even find the contents of this dream as too embarrassing to reveal – even though I know it to be analytically on track with the work we have been doing. When we discussed the dream in therapy both of us were laughing uncontrollably. Yet, I was extremely fearful of bringing this dream up with my therapist – I feared she we see me as disgusting, a mentally deformed creature – a kidney. And yet the fear was unfounded – we both had a good laugh and it bonded us closer to each other which was the exact opposite of what I feared.
The guy with the shit all over himself – represents one of the guys in AA who has discovered that we are all somewhat covered in shit – and you have to accept a certain amount of it – everyone has it – you cannot proceed in life if you don’t get over it and accept it – and even laugh at yourself – nobody is that unique – and if you hold yourself to be terminally unique – you will never be able to look over the side of the mountain – you will remain frozen in your fears. . So, the guy covered in shit is, also, me because I am starting to become ‘comfortable in my own skin’ – I can now feel somewhat comfortable just being myself with all my flaws, quirks, failures and shortcomings – ‘I am enough’.
In the end of the dream I am back at the pastry showcase ordering a scrumptious pastry – the urge to give into your addictions never leaves – at least I wasn’t at a bar or taking a hit off a bong – now food has been more of a battle for me in the last couple of years – I am planning to go on a diet again and exercise for the next three months – so my mind is probably trying to compensate for the restrictions it will face in the coming months.
A deformed child – in shape of kidney – my mother says its 28 years old – I can’t believe it – but find out she is right – it has been a deformed infant for 28 years.
The deformed child is 28 (disassociated from emotions and the spiritual side of life) – I was 28 when I got sober (59 at the time of the dream) – I was deformed by the constraints of my background – never being able to feel – environment was too scary – with an alcoholic father who was full of rage and a mother who was in denial of feelings and the importance of being able to resolve issues – everything was always swept under the carpet [phone call incident – (see dream Marijuana vs. World of Precision)] nothing was ever discussed – reality had to be denied – you really didn’t see what you just saw happen – forced into isolation – what a relief it was when I discovered marijuana– it was instant relief from all the anxiety that always weighted me down.
About 5 or 6 years prior to having this dream – in reality, a Columbian doctor in AA (the one from India in the dream) was telling a story where in one of his earlier surgeries when a nurse passed him a kidney it slipped out of his hand and went flying across the operating room. So this rather insignificant event that I overheard as a passing comment is the connection between the kidneys and this doctor. This was stored in my memory and called up for some reason in this dream to be used as a metaphor. Perhaps I felt some sort of inferiority around this doctor. His wife was a deputy district attorney in the same large city in which my first wife was a deputy DA. When I bought the DA connection up in the conversation they did not seem to be interested in making this part of their conversation – as if I was not in the right social circle to enter their conversation (I was only a salesman) – perhaps they noticed my deformity (kidney). Or, perhaps I was too keenly aware of my deformity to fit in naturally – Damn I hate these reflecting mirrors (Crash !!).
Back to the metaphor of the kidney and the doctor – this memory must have been tagged to a feeling of shame. When the dream was being constructed, the brain must reach into my bag of stored shameful metaphors (of which there were probably many to choose from) and inserts it into the story line. So it appears to match current feelings of shame to older ones so that the dreamer clearly understands something that has occurred more recently. This way the dreamer gets a more objective view by a comparison of the more recent emotion with similar ones already experienced. (Just thinking out loud here.)
End of Interpretation
Copy Write @ Very Cool Dreams Company September 10, 2011
Copy Write @ Very Cool Dreams Company September 9, 2014