Depression – Dream Introduction
Depression dream is from several years ago, (8/15/2011) when my depression was severe. Between problems with my career and the breakup of my second marriage, the stress was too much to bear. I tried to go on – but my spirit was at a record low – considered ‘major depression’ by the psychiatrists and therapists. It took several years to recover, but I am out of the extreme depressed state – I have started to move on again with life.
The Dream: Depression caused by Suppressed Anger and Rage
Dream begins at the McDonald’s that I used to work at in the late 1960’s at the corner of Eastern Ave and New Hampshire Ave on the district line in Washington, D.C. My mother, an old girlfriend, Lou Ann, from graduate school and I are at the corner across the street from McDonald’s. A bus stop used to be there – but in dream it is a large depression which is cemented in. There are some ropes or lines which are supposed to prevent cars from accessing the lot – there are drive way entrances – but access is blocked. My mother thinks that the ropes are clothes lines – but I realize she is confused. We decide to go over to the McDonald’s across the street– I think we went in – then I am talking out front with Lou Ann.
Attack Without Warning – Rage Came from Nowhere
Suddenly, I punch her in the face in a spontaneous fit of rage . It was a punch that came without warning, there was no anger beforehand, I just punched her in the face without any warning, to the complete shock of my girlfriend as well as myself – I am shocked at my behavior – and I don’t seem to know what the rage was about – it was spontaneous – suddenly I am afraid that Lou Ann will not like me anymore and afraid she will leave me. She says she won’t leave me but I cannot hit her anymore.
Let’s Fix It with Sugar, I know, A Vanilla Milkshake
Then we go to this new soda shop (high-end, gourmet) which is supposed to have excellent milkshakes – I think of another good place that has really good milkshakes – burger joint I think from another dream – shop up in mountains – up the freeway, like road north of Valencia, CA (where I worked)– As usual, I want a vanilla one – they guy is making it but the color is purple not white – but then I think that vanilla that come from Madagascar where the vanilla flower is purple (?) I think it will be OK – Everyone is saying how good the shakes are – but I don’t really think so – I don’t like the taste of mine at all – but don’t want to be looked as being someone who is spoiled or unappreciative.
Lou Ann’s Apartment – The Bedroom
Then I get really tired and I am at Lou Ann’s apartment – sleeping on the floor – because I am not accepted by her sexually – I wake up and she does want me to come with her into her bedroom. But, at first I am not sure if she wants me to get into her bed. Then I realize she is inviting me into her bed.
I am trying to get my clothes off and I am having difficulty. It seems that I have four pairs of socks on, as I remove one I find another pair underneath it. The same with the other foot and they are in the same order – I wonder why I put on all these socks.
Oops, I Forgot Mom – I Left Her at McDonald’s a Day Ago
Suddenly, I remember I left my mother at McDonald’s on what must have been the night before – and I wonder what happened to her. Lou Ann and myself rush back to MacDonald’s – I feel negligent because I forgot all about her. Inside the restaurant, they have a section with all these little old ladies – Mom is there in her night clothes – the same as all the other little old ladies. They begin helping her change to street clothes – they raise a curtain so I cannot see. The dream ends there.
Psychoanalytic Dream Interpretation: Depression is Suppressed Anger and Rage
Lou Ann came out of the woodwork, it seemed at first, I could not make any connection. She was a girlfriend when I was in graduate school thirty some years before. Sexual difficulty in dream probably due to fact she was a lesbian. Although we did like each other a lot and often got stoned together – we felt comfortable and safe with each other – my mother’s confusion with what she thought was a clothes line – mom was not very street smart or savvy in any sense – she understood simple values – was not into the complex world of psychoanalysis or world politics – she never seemed to care why things happened, but could accept what did happen. She would never have understood me being friends with a lesbian.
Then I realized Lou Ann was a metaphor for my ex-wife. My ex-wife was not a lesbian, but she had real issues sexually. She had been molested by her older brother for 8 years and Lou Ann had been molested by one of her uncles. At first my ex-wife and myself were highly compatible sexually, but right after our second child was born – I became a perpetrator in her eyes.
Food Additions On The Rise
I’m back to milkshakes again – due to the Atkins’s diet, I feel guilty about wanting one. It had been over two months since I have had one – and my body had gotten used to taking Mom to Friendly’s Ice Cream Parlor and indulging in treats. – Once again disappointed by milkshake in dream – maybe milkshake represents something else that is disappointing me – like my relationship with my ex-wife. I think I remembered a milkshake place, which had really good shakes, from another dream within this dream (perhaps Lou Ann and ex-wife are the milk shakes) I was more than satisfied with the milkshakes of ex-wife (sex) but with Lou Ann it never happened and now I lost the connection with my ex-wife. The place with the good shakes was located in these little food courts far outside of towns – one had a green parking lot like McDonald’s – with several other food establishments .
Dream Meaning of “Oops, I Forgot Mom”
I forget my mother in dream and left her at McDonald’s – possibly guilt of not spending more time with her – since she has moved to the nursing home for dementia patients. With my writing, swimming and therapy and AA meetings I get kind of busy. I am trying to save/rescue myself right now and tend to push her to the back burner. I find her at the McDonald’s the next day with all the other ladies – this is going to the nursing home to visit her and I try to make up for my neglect – (although it is not really neglect – because we (brother and sister) visit her more than anyone else visits the other nursing home residents). – I just feel some guilt for having to leave her there- especially when I am trying to get away after a few hours so I can go swimming or to therapy – things she never had time to do because she was always busy taking care of everyone else.
When Things Don’t Click
Trouble getting my clothes off and all the socks – Lou Ann and I were always on different wave lengths when it came to sex – when I thought it was right she didn’t and when she wanted me – I felt negative or turned off by her. It was very confusing for both of us since we liked each other personally. She was a very nice person and I never felt any anger toward Lou Ann that I was conscious of.
The socks and difficultly undressing is a metaphor for the sexual dysfunction that existed been us. This could be applied to both Lou Ann and my ex-wife when things began to break apart.
Where did rage come for that cause me to strike her – in dream I had no idea why I did it – it almost seemed involuntary – but I immediately wanted to make up and was afraid of losing Lou Ann. – Maybe anger is about losing the women in my life – have not been able to develop or sustain a long-term relationship. Right now there are some women interested in me – but no one I am interested in (like J___ or Pat – both in AA) With Lou Ann it was due to sexual preferences – but with ex-wife it was due to her desires for other men (now, there is some conscious anger – rage behind this)– which makes me feel undesirable or inadequate sexually – this could definitely stir up the rage that overcame me in dream – Ex-wife is somewhat like Lou Ann – we were compatible at first – In a way ex-wife had a little butch side because of growing up with brothers – never crying – trying to be tough – Sexual confusion may have existed here because of the incest of ex-wife, also making her emotionally unavailable (Lou Ann = ex-wife)- I think she may have assigned or projected perversions of her brother onto me through transference or projection – and resented my advances after we were married and after the children – critical of my liking black lingerie – G-strings – which she taught me to like in the first place – she was the first woman I knew to wear a G-string.
Source of Rage
Her affairs definitely stirred enough rage in me to strike out – but in dream there was no affair or reason that I can recall. In real life, I did not let my rage show over the affair – because I didn’t want to end the relationship. My affect is off – meaning my outward reactions do not match what is actually going on in my head – I can feel extreme rage while looking spaced out or in the state of depression. People are shocked when I act out – because there is no warning sign – they never see the agitation building up. Both relationships did not turn out as I expected, and although I was disappointed at the one with Lou Ann, I never felt anger (that I am aware of), but with ex-wife the anger was intense – enough to punch her or murder her lover. Therefore, I did not like the milkshakes I was served. The milkshake represents the relationship.
Dream meaning of Cement Depression is Depression
What is the cement depression with ropes or wires – to prevent access – maybe my defense mechanisms – I don’t want to let anybody into my world right now because the pain was so great – whatever was there before is gone and a big hole was left with no access. I don’t want people to see me in this depressed state – feel I look weak in this state of depression. – Maybe I feel my mother did not see this hole or depression in the cement – she did not understand my pain or depression – it was a clothes line, now let’s get on with life and move to the next thing and not think about what is really going on – it should be no big deal. – Although I think she did understand somewhat – she just did not think that kind of event would cause a person to give up – she was much more practical and had never suffered any bouts of depression – even though she did have a lot of things that went wrong in her life that would have cause many people to break down – my father (an alcoholic / PTSD veteran of WWII – Battle of the Bulge and others) – her mother with MS, who was bedridden from the time my mother was 12 – etc. Life was no bowl of cherries for her – but she always kept going – she never became depressed. On the other hand, perhaps she never understood my father’s depression which lasted a good 25 years until his death.
Perhaps the cement depression is depression itself – and when I get in a depressed state there is no access – and my mother doesn’t know what it is? She cannot understand it because she never experienced depression herself. She could always get up from any trauma and keep going, perhaps using denial, but she did not stop for anything. Unfortunately, I received my father’s DNA, who spent a good portion of his life depressed, drinking alcohol and in mental institutions.
Why does all this take place at McDonald’s ?
I spent mid-teen years working there and at that point I was somewhat close to my mom – dad was aloof with his alcoholism and weirdness and we depended on each other for understanding – because we had the same enemy. I had left for California for 28 years and since I was back living with her we reconnected with the closeness we had before and covered for and took care of one another. Maybe? Or, maybe it was just because Mom loved Big Macs. Also, that restaurant was on the border between Maryland and the District of Columbia. The McDonald’s was in Maryland, but the depression in the dream was across the street in D.C. – so, maybe I had crossed a line (border line)– one that was going to be hard to access and free myself from?
End of Interpretation
Not bad for a dream I though did not make any sense at first.
Possible Cycle in Post-Incest Relationships
There is no scientific proof of the following theory, it is just an observation I made while having to think about what went wrong. My ex-wife used to brag about her great aunt Mary having been married 8 or 9 times. Incest seemed to run in her family. My ex’s mother-in-law was raped by a cousin when she was in her early teens. Her grandmother had an abortion in a field in Mexico when she was 17. They family claims some other teenager was responsible, they made a big point of assuring me of that (me thinks thou does protest too much). A 17-year-old white girl makes her way down to some field in Mexico in the 1940s for an abortion when the alleged father is just some other teen in Hemet, CA. Looks like there may have been a bit more financial backing than the stated facts allow. Also, this woman’s sister is Aunt Mary with the 8 or 9 marriages.
The Cycle of Incest and Failed Marriages
My theory of the cycle that these women get caught up in is this. They get betrayed by a family member who molests them. They develop an underlying hatred or disgust of men and justifiably so. However, they have learned that they can control men using sex and tend to see relationships only in terms of sexual activity. As they get old enough to break out or away from their abuser or perpetrator, they find a “white knight” with whom sex is a good thing and they feel powerful in their use of it to gain their freedom from the creep that betrayed them. However, after time goes on, they begin to see the white knight as always wanting sex with them – but, this is how they marketed themselves to begin with, so the white knight does not know what the problem is. Gradually, the white knight becomes a perpetrator – then the damsel in distress finds another “white knight” to rescue her from the current perpetrator, and this works until he also become a perpetrator, followed by the next “white knight” and this is how Aunt Mary came to have 8 or 9 husbands. And, since this is what I think happened to Aunt Mary, therefore, I suspect the grandmother’s pregnancy came not too far from the family tree. There are more facts, but I have already said too much. Hence, my marriage was over before it began, in fact about 25 years before it began.
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